I Want You Here, But Don't Need You Here.

Wow! Where did the month of May go? It seems like the whole month whirled by in one big blur. Seriously, the end of April and the month of May have easily been the busiest weeks of the year for me. I feel like that Comfort Suites Commercial that says "I've been everywhere man", and "man" I have been everywhere. In the last 6 weeks I have been in Washington DC, Houston, San Benito, McAllen, S. Padre, Wichita Falls, Prairie View, and back to San Benito, S. Padre with a little trip back to Wichita Falls, telecommuted across the US on a Medicaid project and teleconferenced to Idaho via video conferencing, and then finally returned home to Austin.

Subsequently, I have not blogged as much as I have in previous months. I have several conversations and/or experiences that have occurred over the last few weeks that I would like to write up, but the purpose of this blog is to bring everyone up to speed regarding how my mother and family are doing.

During the first week of May, my mother completed her last round of chemotherapy. The week before mother's day the clinical trial nurse called her up on her cell phone and advised that they had discovered a 3rd mass of cancer in her lungs and that the cancer in her liver has begun to grow back at an accelerated rate.
That morning I called her on my way home from S. Padre. The following is a transcript of our conversation:

Erin: "Hey Mom. Whatcha doin?"
Mom: "Not to ....sweat..cold...uggghhh...well."
Erin: "What do you mean?"
Mom: "I can't talk bright..mm.. right."
Erin: "What happened?"
Mom: "I think the new medication that Hospice put me on caused it. My main doesn't work right."
Erin: "You mean brain?"
Mom: "Yeah, main."
Erin: "God that sucks."
Mom: "No one can understand me."
Erin: "I can. Can you stop taking the drugs?"
Mom: "Yes, I not..mm..will..can."

I called her again on Saturday and Sunday and had pretty much the same conversation. Fast forward to Monday, Memorial day. I don't know what happened to me during this particular weekend, but I spent a majority of it just sleeping. I hate to say, but at noon on Memorial day I awoke to my phone ringing. My mother's cousin, Mary Baumer, has become her caretaker in last few months. She takes her to the doctor, store, or anywhere she needs to go and she cares for her by bringing her meals every day and taking her to church. I can not recollect a single time in my life when I have had a conversation with Mary Baumer. Leave it to circumstance that a crisis moment would throw us together. The following contains the corresponding phone call.

Ring, ring

Erin: "umm..Hello?"
Mary Baumer: "Erin, this you?"
Erin: "Yes, who is this?"
Mary Baumer: "Erin, this is Mary Baumer, have you talked to your mother today?"
Erin: "No...I try to talk to her every day..but today..I just....."
Mary Baumer: "Well, she is NOT DOING WELL. SHE IS NOT MAKING SENSE, AND WILL PROBABLY BE DEAD WITHIN 24 HOURS IF SHE DOESN'T GET A NEW AIR CONDITIONER..AND.."
Erin: "Hold on..Hold on...what do you mean she needs a new air conditioner. I was just there and she didn't mention it?"
Mary Baumer: "She can't speak Erin. Don't you get it? She isn't making any kind of sense. 'Main' becomes "Brain". 'Blue' becomes "Toilet". 'Audrie' becomes "Erin". "
Erin: "I get it more than you know. I can actually understand her when she turns her word around. But, I do....."
Mary Baumer: "Don't WHAT! SOMEONE SHOULD BE HERE! SHE IS SICK!"
Erin: "Mary, I hate that I can't be there like she wants..."
Mary Baumer: "Someone has....."
Erin: "Mary, shut it for a second. I know you are angry and I thank you for what you have done for our family. But, I have asked my mom to move in with me. I have even thought about moving up there and taking time off from my job. My mother has nixed both options. I thank you for all you are doing, but ask you to not judge my family until you know the facts. With that being said. You said she needs an air conditioner right now/today. Why and what is that all about?"
Mary Baumer: "Your mom woke up earlier today and saw her brother going through her pill bottles. The only reason why she leaves the doors open to her home is because her air conditioner doesn't work. So she keeps both doors open an attempt to cool her place. As soon as she falls asleep, Richard comes in and steals her stuff."
Erin: "I can order an air conditioner today and have it available at Lowe's. Can you get someone to pick it up and install it?"
Mary Baumer: "Erin, there aren't any men here to help. It's nothing but us girls, and we are busy Right now."
Erin: "Okay, I will call Adult Protective Services (APS) to check into the situation, but I will be there by the weekend with a new air conditioner and weather stripping. Can her situation wait till then?"
Mary Baumer: "She just can't speak. The air is cool enough to get her through the week and I will see you then."
Erin: "Great! Call me if you find anything more out."
Mary Baumer: "Will do."

After my conversation with Mary Baumer, I called mom. I had a bunch of stuff scheduled at work and a bunch of stuff I couldn't schedule but needed to be around for. I asked her how she was doing and she couldn't even respond with one complete word. Everything was gibberish. She began crying and yelling. I told her I loved her, and that we would get through this together no matter what. I called my sister, my boss, and my best friend and let them all know that I had no idea what I would do or where I would be over the course of the next week.

Realizing that I had the Idaho video conference scheduled for Wednesday and that it had been set for well over 12 months, I tried no less than 5 people to see if they could cover. No one answered their phone. No one returned my message. I had no choice but to continue with the conference, pending on my mom's status come Tuesday.

She visited the Hospice nurse on Tuesday who confirmed that the new medications (Halidol, Progesterone and Morphine) caused her to have minor strokes in her brain. My mother would never speak right again. Via conference call, they (mom and nurse) advised that rushing home would not make the matter better and that I should follow through with my obligations and come up as soon as possible.

Still not convinced, I called mom up on Wednesday while I was driving to Prairie View for the Idaho conference call. The following is a transcript of our call:
Erin: "Hey mom. Whatcha donin'?"
Mom: "Much better yester...today. I can get my ..thoughts ...right a bit more ..today."
Erin: "Good. Mom, I have tried everything to get there by tomorrow, but we have some pretty important legislative hearings that will be going tomorrow and I don't feel I can leave my job and the kids of Texas right now and come home. Will you be okay until Friday? I really need to know what the right thing to do is right now. I can't make the call."
Mom: "Erin, I love you and need you. The kids you are trying to help need you. I am feeling much better. Heck, I can even have a conversation with you where I couldn't less than 3 days ago."
Erin: "Mom, what do I do? I can leave here after this conference and be home in 6 hours, or I can work through these hearings and leave on Friday. I need to know what you need/want me to do?"
Mom: "Erin, I want you here, I don't need you. I love you daughter and I will see you in two days."
Erin: "I love you mom. Promise me you will go to Aunt Helen's if it get's too hot. Promise me you will take care of your self before I get there."
Mom: "Erin, I will go to Aunt Hel's if needed. I love you. Take care of you and I will see you in a couple days."
Erin: "I love you too.. and need you more than you will ever know. See you soon. Good night."

Happy Mother's Day: Leave the Garbage Here

This mother's day was the first one in years that I actually spent with my mother. Unfortunately, she was so sick the whole weekend that she slept a majority of the time. It was still a special occasion. Interestingly enough, on Sunday morning, while everyone else was asleep, my mother and I drank coffee, talked and watched "The Weatherman" with Nicholas Cage. This movie was one that I had never thought I would watch. However, TBS was playing it and we happened to pick that station to serve as the background of or conversation. If you haven't seen it, the movie revolves around the lead character played by Nicholas Cage who, surprise, is a weather man and whose father happens to be dying from esophageal cancer. During the movie, the Cage character actually becomes a better father because of the lessons learned from his father as he copes with his cancer. Talk about uncomfortable or at least awkward. My mother and I shared many of those types of moments.

Mom and I talked quite a bit about the things that she has missed out on in life and how I, the one person in her life that she thought should have given up on her, was here, now, watching the movie.

My mother, not one to be known to be 'direct' in her comments, loves to 'hint around' until the point or request is made. The following is an ongoing transcript of our key conversations during the weekend.

Erin: "Hey Mom, Whatcha doin?"
Mom: "Just sittin' here, waiting for you to get into town."
Erin: "Awesome. What would you like me to cook for Mother's day dinner?"
Mom: "Well..I don't know. I have some hamburger meat hear that Audrie left that I need to cook."
Erin: (knowing that this was a hint for me to cook spaghetti) " REALLY? So I guess you want meat loaf, or hamburgers?"
Mom: "No..Those don't sound so good. I don't know...I just need to cook this meat up."
Erin: "Well, we could cook it up and make some kind of mixture with potatoes and green peppers? I use to do that all the time when I was in college."
Mom: "No, I'm not too sure that is what I want. Ohh...I found some noodles over here in the corner. Can you use them some how?"
Erin: "Ahh...Spaghetti it is. I can make that and use both your hamburger meat and your noodles."
Mom: "Yeah, that sounds good. Spaghetti will be good."

Fast forward to my visit. We visited at Huie's house. As an aside, mom slept through the entire dinner and ended up eating her spaghetti as a lunch the next day. Not wanting to miss visiting with her, I woke up at 3am hoping she was awake. Finding her so, I got up and we had one of our best visits ever. The following is a transcript of the key pieces of what I would like to remember and share:

Erin: "Good Morning. Nicholas Cage huh? I always thought that man was shaped wrong. What are you watching?"
Mom: "Oh you're up. Why don't you go back to sleep. He isn't so bad..but this is a weird movie. I was waiting for the Meerkats to come on the Animal Planet and playing solitary."
Erin: "I can't sleep any more. Besides I can catch up when I get home. Yeah Nick isn't bad on the eyes, but then he opens his mouth and all I want to do is stuff it full of something to unclog the nasal sound. Are you winning?"
Mom: "Yup ! I have won two games already."
Erin: "Good for you."

We then sat quiet watching the movie.

Then:
Mom: "You know, I asked Mary Baumer to handle all the church arrangements. I didn't want you to have to handle everything."
Erin: "That's good. If I were left up to do it, I probably wouldn't have been the most 'PC' and definitely would have violated some form of Catholicism."
Mom: "Ha..Ha! No I just want to have everything taken care of before I go."
Erin: "I understand and we have been discussing this for months. You don't need to do it all on your own. I am here."
Mom: "I know. But you are my daughter, and I don't want it to be hard on you."
Erin: "It already is...for both of us. Let's do this like we have our entire lives. When life gets hard, we hunker down and fight like a family. I love you."
Mom: "I wish I could forgive your sister's father, Rick. I hate that man and just can't figure out how to forgive him."
Erin: "Why is that? "
Mom: "He is evil. He is an evil man and I can't forgive him."
Erin: "Really? If you remember, mom, your sisters and brothers, Audrie, and myself at some point considered you an evil person. You have done and said some seriously hateful and vindictive things when you were suffering from the down side of your mental illnesses. Have you forgotten that? Have you forgotten that they have forgiven you? That I have forgiven you?"
Mom: "You are right. I need to work on it and find a way to forgive him."
Erin: "Yes you do. I love you, but I had to work really hard to forgive you. Now I can say, Happy Mother's Day, and truly mean it. But the shadow of the things that you have said and done are still there. I choose to focus on the positives and let the other crap go. Hopefully you can let your garbage go as well, for that will be all you have left when you leave. For both our sakes, I hope the garbage stays here. "

D Day: The world is at our feet

D-Day is a term often used in military parlance to denote the day on which a combat attack or operation is to be initiated. "D-Day" often represents a variable, designating the day upon which some significant event will occur or has occurred. By far, the best known D-Day is June 6, 1944 — the day on which the Invasion of Normandy began — commencing the Western Allied effort to liberate mainland Europe from Nazi occupation during World War II. However, many other invasions and operations had a designated D-Day, both before and after that operation.

The terms D-Day and H-Hour are used for the day and hour on which a combat attack or operation is to be initiated. They designate the day and hour of the operation when the day and hour have not yet been determined, or where secrecy is essential. There is but one D-Day and one H-Hour for all units participating in a given operation.

Today, at 5:45pm initated D-Day and H-Hour for my mother, my family and her cancer. She had to be hospitalized this weekend because her blood count simply would not rebound from the latest round of chemotherapy. Subsequently, she is now no longer eligible for treatment through the clincial trials and has been referred to Hospice for all future care. Extremely depressed, all she could seem to focus on is that she will be in Hospice care.

As an aside, about two weeks ago my mother asked for the sheet music for the song from Sarah Mclaughlin "In the arms of an angel". She advised that after her mother died, she had heard this song and it helped her to cope with the emotion, and she wanted it played at her funeral. Needless to say, that was a hard request for me to fullfil. Despite the fact that I will have watched my mother and my grandmother die in the course of two years, I sent her the sheet music. Now I am reminded of both her and my grandmother every time the song is played either on the radio as the background for an add by the ASPCA. No longer am I able to have a burger with my grandmother and in the near future, I won't be able to share a laugh or a fight with my mother.

My mom, now after discovering that the treatment is done, has begun to learn the song on her piano. This past week, the entire congregation of her chruch went to her shop and she played and sang the song. How can I deny what she wants? It's intersting to me that a song that is inspirational for someone else, can be so negatively associated that the joy of the original music is lost.

Sometimes we just need some distracation to remind us that we are human and we have a future. I love my mother, however her positive attitude has begun to decrease. I now must find some comfort in 'normal' society, and the lack of control and understanding scares me more than I can admit.

The key thing to remember, as with any D Day, is that depending on how we view it, the world is still always at our feet. We can make it positive or negative. Admiting you are scared doesn't define that outcome. It is in the coping and the living that defines us.

Wordwatchers: Language and Personality

I am always looking for ways to better understand people and their true intentions/personality. Recently, I discovered a scientist who has actually configured a way to mathmatecally evaluate someone's personality based on the words they use. Truely amazing and scary stuff.

I found Doctor James W. Pennebaker. He is Professor and Chair Department of Psychology The University of Texas Austin, Texas. He believes that the words we use reflect who we are. Word choice can serve as a key to people's personality and social situations.

Since the mid-1990s, he, his students, and colleagues have been exploring the psychology of word use.



Before reading further, you might want to try one or more brief demonstrations that will give you an appreciation of language use, measurement, and personality.

Here is a link to his analysis of the current democratic contenders for office: Obama-vs-Clinton: Who is more syntactically complex?

Click on this link for some awe inspiring tests that influenced my decision to write this blogg:

The Online Research Consortium

Go ahead, be skeptical, but what the heck..we are all here to have fun and figure ourselves out. This blows the zodiac out of the water~

What words should we pay attention to?

Very broadly, there are two types of words: content and style. Content words include nouns, regular verbs, and most adjectives and adverbs. Style words include pronouns, prepositions, conjunctions, articles, and auxiliary verbs. The content words tell us what a person is saying; style words convey how they are saying it.

Style words, then, can be powerful indicators of people’s psychological states. They require a certain social skill to both use and interpret.

In a conversation, if one person refers to “her table”, both people must remember who the “her” is. Similarly, the difference between “a table” and “the table” conveys a subtle difference in the relationship between the speaker and the table in question.

What can the analysis of words tell us about people?

For starters, style-related words can signal basic social and demographic categories, such as:

Sex. In general, women tend to use more pronouns and references to other people; men are more likely to use articles, prepositions, and big words.

Age. As people get older, they tend to refer to themselves less, use more positive emotion and fewer negative emotion words. Older people also use more future tense and fewer past tense verbs.

Social class. The higher the social class, the less likely one uses 1st person singular pronouns and the less one uses emotion words.

Style-related words can also reveal basic social and personality processes, including:

Lying vs telling the truth. When people tell the truth, they are more like to use 1st person singular pronouns. They also use more exclusive words like except, but, without, excluding. Words such as this indicate that a person is making a distinction between what they did do and what they didn’t do. Liars have a problem with such complex ideas.

Dominance in a conversation. Analyze the relative use of the word “I” between two speakers in an interaction. Usually, the higher status speaker will use fewer “I” words.

Social bonding after a trauma. In the days and weeks after a cultural upheaval, people become more self-less (less use of “I”) and more oriented towards others (increased use of “we”).

Depression and suicide-proneness. Public figures speaking in press conferenecs and published poets in their poetry use more 1st person singular when they are depressed or prone to suicide.

Testosterone levels. In two case studies, it was found that when people’s testosterone levels increased rapidly, they dropped in their use of references to other people.

Basic self-reported personality dimensions. Multiple studies are now showing that style-related words do much better than chance at distinguishing people who are high or low in the Big Five dimensions of personality: neuroticism, extraversion, openness, agreeableness, and conscientiousness.

Consumer patterns. By knowing people’s linguistic styles, we are able to predict (at reasonable rates), their music and radio station preference, liking for various consumer goods, car preferences, etc.

And much, much more. ..

Movies and Denim

It's been fifteen years since some idiot decided Boxing Helena (1993) was a good idea for a movie, and some days it still feels like not much has changed. Sin City (2006). Hostel II (2007). Prom Night (2008). Drive by any theater in America these days and you're likely to find at least one movie that promotes violence against women (when they're not ignoring women entirely).

But as organizations and individuals speak out against violence against women — famous activists such as Nicole Kidman have called it the "most widespread human rights violation of our time" at a press conference for the U.N. Development Fund for Women, and this week also saw the 10th annual "Denim Day" in L.A., named based on the 1998 Italian Supreme Court decision to overturn a rape conviction because the victim wore jeans — I thought it might be worth noting some off the movies that draw attention to violence against women in the right way.

Movies that drive home the point in such a way that you finally get why some women make such a fuss about feminism. Movies that help you understand the depth and pervasiveness of the problem, if you don't, or make you want to get out and do something about it, if you do.

For many of us, the movie(s) that influence us most are ones we see when we're just coming of age. For young women twenty years ago, The Color Purple (1985) might have been that pivotal film; for young women in 2005, perhaps it was North Country, about the first class-action sexual harassment lawsuit in the United States.

For women in their late teens today, it might simply be an episode of Law & Order: SVU, which effectively if depressingly portrays our culture's disturbed attitude towards women on a weekly basis.

For me, the movie was Thelma & Louise (1991). Not yet jaded enough to see it coming, I sat in the back of the movie theater at 15 blinded by rage as I watched Susan Sarandon and Geena Davis drive off that cliff. I was sleeping in my car at the time, and felt a bit vindicated that life as a strong individual woman would end up this way. Thank God I out grew my teenage ignorance...or did I really?


The movie's portrayal of the paralyzing mix of hopelessness, violence, and poverty faced by women every day was searing. I suspect many women were initially lured in to see the film because of the caliber of the actresses and the well-chiseled abs of a handsome new actor named Brad Pitt, only to leave dazed and confused, still hearing Thelma's scornful admonishment to a would-be rapist, "In the future, when a woman's crying like that, she isn't having any fun!"

Then, a few years later, I watched The Accused (1988) and must say that watching this movie would easily be the most painful and powerful two hours I sat through in a non-Erin-personally-being tortured kind of way. The Accused was the first major American movie (that I'm aware of) that directly addressed the issue of collective culpability in violence against women. It, too, became the talk of the nation, both because of its message and its stars, Jodie Foster and Kelly McGillis.

The next summer, I watched Angela Bassett battle it out with Laurence Fishburne in the Ike and Tina Turner story What's Love Got to Do With It (1993). This was the summer after I graduated from High School, and really hammered home to me the true amount of abuse my mom had withstood over the years. I had just moved into my dorm when I had received a call from her then husband asking me if I could score him 100 bucks for some narcotics. Needless to say, I wonderd as to the strength of any woman who put up with that kind of abuse. This movie helped me to understand my mother, and other battered women at a much higher level. Ultimately it was enough to send me out the next day to sign up as a volunteer at a battered women's shelter.


Very recently, I also saw "Plenty" with Meryl Streep, which although it isn't set in our times, is basically about a very intelligent, outspoken woman post-WWII who is declared to be mad every time she speaks her mind, sedated and held back to fit in the role expected of her.

Another memorable movie for me was "Extremities" (1986). Although some would say I am way too young to remember this one, I watched this a couple of years ago and it really made me think. In this movie a man breaks into a house and horribly abuses a woman who then proceeds to fight back, eventually caging him in the fireplace. One of the most memorable shots in this film is of her digging up the tomato patch with plans of burying him in it. There's a fantastic performance by Farrah Fawcett, along with wonderful supporting roles by Alfrie Woodard and Diana Scarwid.
Remember November 25th. That's the International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women as designated by the UN General Assembly. This date in particular was chosen because it was the day of the brutal assassination (strangled and beaten to death) of the three Mirabal Sisters by the orders of the Dominican Dictator Trujillo. This caused outrage in the public, and eventually prompted the assassination of the Dictator 6 months later.

A book as made in 1993 by Julia Alvarez, (it can be found in English), and a movie years later, in 2001, with Salma Hayek as Minerva Mirabal, and Edward James Olmos (Admiral Adama in Galactica). The book/Movie is "In the Time of the Butterflies"
Ultimately, however, my all time favorite must be,"Fried Green Tomatoes". It handles the subject of violence against women in way that is smart and meaningful to women and maybe a bit reminiscent of "Extremities". The bad guy is brought to justice and the woman is not a victim for long.
Twanda! Or a Chick's version of Cheers to women, denim, and movies!

Doesn't mean you can't roar

"You can be a lion, just because you don't win or you can't control your enemy, doesn't mean that you can't roar!" Steve Erwin.

Wow! who ever thought that not winning or losing control could be synonymous with a Lion?

When I think of a Lion, I think of strength when confronted by the concept of futility, fierceness, stoic patience, and uncompromising principles. These are traits I also believe that positive leaders possess. But then I got caught sitting in DC late last night watching the Discovery channel before I finally was able to fall asleep. I was struggling with the anxiety I was experiencing and the need to sleep. My eyelids wanted to close, but my head wanted to run a marathon. In the morning I would be giving one of the toughest presentations in one of the scariest manners possible, and (needless to say) I wasn't feeling much like a Lion, a Tigger, or anything too terribly inspirational.

Tough: I was about to give a talk on screening and accessing Medicaid to 400 National leaders on Juvenile Justice at 8:30 in the morning on the last day of their conference, AND I only had 20 minutes as part of a panel to discuss it.

Scary: I had to send in the Power Point a month before the presentation, AND I had never done this presentation before. Can you say CONTROL ISSUES! I was losing it. I felt like I was going to throw up all night. After I got to DC at 9:30 that night, all I could do is sit in bed, run to the bathroom, sit in bed, flip through channels on the TV, and go back to the bathroom.

After I had become accustom to my little routine, the channel flipped (as I don't remember changing it), to the Discovery channel. Here I am watching "animals on the prowl", and the announcer starts to describe two lions preparing to fight over their territory or something. I sat there (or rather half sat and half laid down in the hotel bed) mesmerized. One lion had his whole family behind him, and was working on familiar ground. The other lion, well...he kinda stumbled upon the land with his own youthful stupidity and wanted a drink of water and to entertain the local folk. Next thing you know the incumbent lion was in the new lion's face. It really was comical in a way.

The "Newbie", as I will call him from now on, was like "Hey! Dude, you wanna play? I have a good story!". The "Incumbent", as I will call him from now on, was like "Yo! You are in my turf and I am not too pleased? Whatcha doin here?".

Here is how I summarize the conversation between the two lions last night (in my head of course):

Newbie: "Well..ah..I was walking, turned a bit right, turned a bit left, sniffed some flowers, and then someone said..hey come this way. Now I am here. Whatcha up to?"

Incumbent: "What the heck do you care. That is for me to know and you to not ask about...hmmph."

Newbie: "Umm. Okay man. I was just following the flow and...well heck they asked me to come. Didn't mean to crash you.....r.."

Incumbent: "Party not yours. I have been here for 30 years! How dare you come walking in here with your new ideas, your stuff that we tried once and it didn't work, your....well how dare you!"

Newbie: " Okay. Can I buy you a drink? I saw a nice Pomegranate martini a couple of rocks down. How about a peace offering?"

Incumbent: "a Polmmegra?? Huh! get the heck out. NOW!"

Newbie: "Okay...alright... I' m going..."

Girl in the back: "Hey Incumbent! Wait we want to hear the newbie. Wait a minute, don't go! We want to here from you?"

Newbie: "I don't know what I lost, but I can still Roar. ROAR!! [..in other words: See you in the funnies! I am here, just find me when you are ready.]"

I laughed my head off. I had been stressing about walking to some foreign territory, asked to present by some foreign entity(ies) (National Association on State Health Policy as a requirement for the MacArthur Foundation for the National Coalition on State Health Policy...Phew!) in some kind of foreign political battle, with no control over my presentation (Power point released a month ago), and on the last day of the conference. I was allowing the situation to dictate my response, rather than falling back on my character and my natural state of self. No more of that! Thanks Discovery Channel!

I am a Lion, I can always ROAR! And Roar I did.

What happens in Chicago...

This week I had an opportunity to go to Chicago for a business meeting. On Saturday, as I was preparing for the trip, I called my mom. The following is a transcript of our conversation:

Erin: "Hey Mom, whatcha doin?"
Mom: "Just sittin' here at Huey's doing laundry."
Erin: "Sorry to interrupt, but I am packing to go to Chicago and I had a question."
Mom: "Chicago? Wow, how do you get all your work done with all your travel?"
Erin: "I manage. Let me ask..If you got a chance to go to Chicago, what would you want to see?"
Mom: "I don't know. Is that the place with the Sears Tower?"
Erin: "Yes, it is. And it has one of the most famous art institutes in the world as well."
Mom: "I would like to go to the Sears Tower. I heard that is the tallest building in the world."
Erin: "It was, up until a new building in Dubai India was developed. But for all principles, the Sears tower is the tallest in the Western Hemisphere. I will visit it for and with you."
Mom: "Ha! that sounds great. Call me when you get there."
Erin: "Will do. Love you!"

Needless to say, Chicago was awesome! I can't wait to go back. As a good friend of mine said: "It's like a clean New York." I totally concur!

Here is a picture of the Sears Tower I took from the street:

When I reached the top of the tower, I called her to describe the scene. I then took pictures of what I saw and described them to her. Needless to say, the view from the "now" second tallest building in the world (over 114 floors above ground) was magnificent and should be a "must see" for everyone. Here are several pictures from different vantage points. My ears actually popped in the elevator on the ride up.

This one is of me looking directly down from the North side of the tower. I had to use the zoom option on my camera to capture the boat:
Facing East as I rose up from the boat. According to the marker at this point, this view spans across 4 states. My geography is horrible so I will let you try to distinguish which ones.
Facing North toward Lake Michigan. I was completely taken away with the Lake. It looks like an ocean. Just over the horizon sits Canada. Here is a shot of a building molded to a similar style as that of the buildings in Marina City. After touring the Sears tower, I decided to wonder around the streets a bit and take in the city. A little people watching proved to be loads of fun as well. One thing is for sure, Chicagoan's love to Honk. Light turns green.."Honk". Light turns red.. "Honk". Guy on the street corner smiles.."Honk". I never once saw the proverbial middle finger associated with a honk, but could visualize it based on the length the author of the honk decided to allow their verb to remain audible. A passenger on the shuttle bus into town warned me, "Stop signs are a courtesy and red lights are targets for pedestrians. You have to out will the drivers to cross the street." Game on.

Here is a shot from the street one block from the Sears tower.
I was trying hard to be tourist but not act too much like one. But I am fairly certain that the camera and Texas A&M sweatshirt kind of gave me away.

One of the most interesting places I stumbled across was the Chicago Board of Trade:

Here is the building that is reflected in the windows from the Board of Trade. I love the shadows from the buildings around it:

Two blocks south of the Trade Center I passed this in the middle of down town: Then there is the food of Chicago. No one can visit and consider their time well spent unless they go to Gino's pizza and have the original deep dish (with the sauce served on top). That and couple of adult beverages, and my first day was complete! On the way, we passed this interesting building. It was built by the same architect that designed Marina City. I really liked how the tree overlaps in front of the building.

On the last day of my visit, I had about 3 hours to kill before my flight left after we finished our meetings for the day. Luckily my hotel was right across the street from the Navy Pier. I had never heard of it, but now consider it one of my favorite destinations.

Here is a picture of Lake Michigan and the Navy Pier from my hotel room:

The front of Navy Pier. I must say this was a very hard picture to take. I actually got blown sideways by the wind a good foot or so while taking this picture.

This is a shot that stretched my camera to its limits. I zoomed all the way in to capture this light house and all the sea gulls. Note how much like an ocean this lake looks like.
Here is a pic of the same light house from the Sears tower:

Here is a good shot of a boat framing the city. I can only imagine how beautiful this would be at night:

A little picture of the "Spirit of Chicago". Check out the windows on the bow. Wish I could have road it out on the lake:

And a close up of the Ferris Wheel.

One of my favorite pictures of the entire trip, here is one I took of an awesome looking office building as I left the pier:
Inside one of the shops at the Pier was a Tiffany Glass showcase. Here are two of my favorite pieces from the display:

Overall this was a very good trip. Not only did I get tons of work done, but I finally had a trip where I got the opportunity to see the city as well. Also, during this trip, my mom received the news that her cancer is continuing to shrink! So she started up her chemotherapy treatment this week. Hopefully, I will get to take her to share some pizza in Chicago in the near future.

The Wooden Bowl

This week I flew to Chicago for a meeting and hope to blog about my visit in the city later this weekend. After 3 days of intense meetings and site seeing, I arrived back to Austin at 11:30pm Wednesday night. Standing by the carousel, I watched as everyone else picked up their bags. Yup, it had finally happened. After all these years of travel, I had finally had an airline lose my luggage. At first I was angry and a little bit frustrated. I explained to the customer service representative that everything I needed to go to work the next day was in that bag, and began to demand that something be done...Now!

What did I expect? Did I really believe she could just click her fingers and it would show up? After evaluating my temper tantrum, I realized that she had nothing to do with my missing stuff and thanked her for helping me make the decision not to go into work in the morning. Pleasantly surprised at my change in attitude, she gave me a cup of coffee and promised to call when the bag came in.

When I got home, I decided to read my email. Below is a parable that my father sent me that seemed fitting and made me decide that the lost luggage scene was worthy of blogging.

The Wooden Bowl

A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year - old grandson.The old man's hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered. The family ate together at the table. But the elderly grandfather's shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor. When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth. The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess. 'We must do something about father,' said the son. 'I've had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor.' So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner. There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner. Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl. When the family glanced in Grandfather's direction, sometimes he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone. Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food. The four-year-old watched it all in silence. One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor. He asked the child sweetly, 'What are you making?' Just as sweetly, the boy responded, 'Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when I grow up. ' The four-year-old smiled and went back to work. The words so struck the parents so that they were speechless. Then tears started to stream down their cheeks. Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done. That evening the husband took Grandfather's hand and gently led him back to the family table. For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family. And for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.

When I finally got to work the next day, and told my story, my co-worker said, "You know Erin, if it is going to happen, it almost always happens to you". We laughed and shared more stories.

Through the review of past experiences, I have realized that I've learned that, no matter what happens, how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will always be better tomorrow.

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles four things: a rainy day, the elderly, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.

I've learned that, regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.

I've learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as making a 'life'.

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.

I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But, if you focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, your work and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you .

I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.

I've learned that pain is inevitable but suffering is optional.

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.

I have to be a bit selfish

Today was the official 8 month anniversary of the prognosis for my mother. On this day, 8 months ago, the Doctor told her to "get her affairs in order". That was September 5, 2007. On August 22, 2007, she was diagnosed as having Stage 4 Small Cell lung cancer that was prevalent in both lungs and had spread to the liver. When I googled the prognosis, everything indicated that she only had 2 to 4 months to live. Imagine the paranoia, and thoughts that ran through my head. I was ready to take FMLA and move back just to get her through it.

Then my friends rallied around me. They reminded me that not only is my mom a fighter, but I have been pretty much on my own my whole life, and couldn't just throw it all aside because she was sick. I disagreed for the most part, but 49% of me agreed with their sentiment. This made it hard for me to sit in Austin while she went through this battle, however, it helped that my mom is so independent. When I mentioned my idea, she shut it aside without comment. Her exact words: "I am not dead yet, and will not have my children wipe my butt or making decisions for me in the process".

Fast forward to today. The following is a transcript of our conversation:

Erin: Ring, Ring "Hey Mom, whatcha doin?"
Mom: "Just got up. Feeling better, sorry I have missed your last couple calls. I have not been so well, and wasn't up to much to talking."
Erin: "I understand. When I get sick, I lock down and avoid everyone as well. It's hard to be upbeat for others when you don't feel well."
Mom: "That is true. Erin, you have to be careful not to do too much."
Erin: "I know. I am still debating whether I should go to summer school or not. If they offer it right, I could take one class a day for 10 weeks and will only have 6 hours left before comps and graduation."
Mom: "I thought you were going to take the summer off. That's what you said last time we talked."
Erin: "You're right. But, then I started to doubt that decision. If I can get 3 more credit hours under my belt, then the State and the System only holds me to 2 more classes. However, with all the changes in the juvenile justice system in Texas and the MacArthur grant, my job is actually 2 full time jobs..and school, well that is another full time job."
Mom: "I know, and they don't give you time for class preparation or work peparation."
Erin: "Mom, what are getting at? I have never heard you question my decisions like this."
Mom: "Erin, I love you and I am just trying to be a good mother. I don't want you losing more time for yourself. That's it."
Erin: "Good point. As an aside, you are a good mom. We have had our struggles, and we both have had our times of weakness..but I love you, and you have always been an inspiration."
Mom: "Just take care of you...no one else will..believe me I know."
Erin: "You are doing better..you sound good."
Mom: "Yeah, my blood pressure is finally up..its over 100 now. I was concerned for awhile but seem to be rebounding pretty well."
Erin: "True! This is the second round of chemo where you were able to escape having to go to the hospital for a low blood count. That is pretty cool. Even better, Mom do you realize that you are making history? Not only are you fighting this disease, but you will be a case study to help others in the future who are fighting it. Wow! that is so cool."
Mom: "You know, those doctors where never honest with me. I think I was a lot closer to death than they let me know when they found it."
Erin: "What do you mean..they never told you the projection?"
Mom: "No they didn't, but they hinted."
Erin: "I can't lie mom. I was preparing myself, everything I read said that we would be lucky to have until Christmas."
Mom: "Yeah, maybe this study will show them that just because someone doesn't respond right away to treatment..they should give it a bit and let their bodies come around. I didn't respond for 3 months, and then at the 4th month I responded drastically. In normal treatments, they give up after 2 months of no progress. I hope that they will at least consider the time factor for future treatments."
Erin: "Mom, I am so happy to have you in my life, and to be able to say that you beat the odds and are continuing to progress. I love that we have re-discovered each other. But even more...look at all the people you are going to help in the future by participating in this study! That is amazing!?
Mom: "Erin, I need to be selfish. I want to live. I don't care about the others right now..if my living helps them, then great..but when I am gone, well..I won't let that happen any time soon. They asked me if I wanted to continue treatment after the normal research course. They questioned my "quality of life" and if this is really what I want to do. I told them, I want to fight as long as the fight is winning, I can overcome any symptoms and my quality of life will be better if I am living so bring it on!"
Erin: "In other words, we need to go to the beach this summer and I should not go to school?"
Mom: "I know you are trying to be funny, but seriously Erin, you need to be a bit more selfish and truly enjoy being you."
Erin: "Ditto to you. Love you mom. Talk to you tomorrow."

Mom has a CAT scan on Tuesday. The results of the scan will determine whether she gets continued treatment, or whether she doesn't.

Cheers to you mom. Be as selfish as you need to be!

Celeberating 80 years of a phenominal woman

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

On Friday, Maya Angelou turned 80. In her honor and in honor of all that she has inspired, I would like to take a few minutes to celebrate the life of this phenomenal woman.

I do not use “woman” casually, as Dr. Angelou has made clear that she believes the term to be more than an indication of gender.

“There is a world of difference between being a woman and being an old female. If you're born a girl, grow up, and live long enough, you can become an old female. But, to become a woman is a serious matter. A woman takes responsibility for the time she takes up and the space she occupies.”

She wrote those words about Hillary Clinton, whom she steadfastly supports. But it takes one to know one. And Maya Angelou certainly has been a good steward of her own time and space, encouraging us all at every turn to press on, to speak out, to rise up.


Her journey, as we know, has not been easy. She has written a six-volume autobiographical series describing her sometimes horrific, sometimes wild life. Understanding her past makes her present even more remarkable.



Maya Angelou is hailed as one of the great voices of contemporary literature and as a remarkable Renaissance woman. A renowned poet, educator, historian, best-selling author, actress, playwright, civil rights activist, producer and director, Dr. Angelou travels the world spreading her legendary wisdom.



A mesmerizing vision of grace, swaying and stirring when she moves and talks, Dr. Angelou lyrically captivates her audiences with her unique brand of vigor, fire and perception. She has the uncommon ability to shatter the opaque prisms of race and class in a broad range of literary venues, both spoken and unspoken. Dr. Angelou’s numerous books of poetry, non-fiction and fiction, as well as her autobiographical works and audio-visual presentations, are indicative of her extraordinary vision and unquestionable significance on the national and international scenes.


Born in 1928, Dr. Angelou originally trained to be a dancer and an actress. During the 1950s and 1960s, she appeared in a touring company of “Porgy and Bess,” recorded an album of calypso music, and wrote plays and musicals. In 1970, urged on by James Baldwin and other friends who had heard her tell stories of her childhood, she published the autobiographical I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings. This work was a bestseller and was nominated for a National Book Award and a Pulitzer Prize.


Its success launched her literary career, which now includes over twenty works of autobiography, poetry, fiction, and works for children. Dr. Angelou also appeared in the landmark miniseries “Roots” in 1977, and in 1998, she made her directorial film debut with “Down in the Delta.”

Today, we celebrate who she has become: author, poet, historian, actor, singer, conductor, songwriter, playwright, film director, dancer, radio host, greeting card writer, professor, civil rights activist. (Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. was assassinated on Dr. Angelou's 40th birthday.)

She is fluent in Spanish, French, Italian, Arabic and Fanti and has dozens of honorary degrees, although she never went to college. She relishes being called “Dr. Angelou.” She adores cooking, reading and laughing with friends. And she is not even close to slowing down.

I've had the good fortune to hear Dr. Angelou in person once. I knew her work superficially, but was unprepared for her presence. That smooth, rich voice completely captivated me.

Another one of my heroes, Robin Roberts, did a wonderful interview with Dr. Angelou that aired this week; watching it will make you feel like celebrating Maya Angelou — and yourself. And it will make you very grateful to live in the same world as this phenomenally phenomenal woman. You should view the video to get the full pictue of what I mean.

Click here to view the interview: Interview with Good Morning America



In the light of all that is going on in my life and in the world, my favorite quote reigns true:

My life has been one great big joke, a dance that's walked a song that's spoke, I laugh so hard I almost choke when I think about myself.
Maya Angelou

This is humility at its finest. I love it, and love you. Enough said.

Sugar & Spice and No Longer Nice

As part of my work toward achieving my Doctorate, I read topical books of interest and write reviews on them. One of my areas of interest in addition to the mental health issues of justice involved youth, is that of female offenders and trauma. One of my favorite authors/researchers on trauma and violence is Dr. Deborah Prothrow-Stith.


Deborah Prothrow-Stith is a Henry Pickering Walcott Professor of the Practice of Public Health and Associate Dean for Diversity for the Department of Health Policy and Management at the Harvard School of Public Health. She is a nationally recognized public health leader. As a physician working in inner-city Boston, she broke new ground with her efforts to have youth violence defined as a public health problem; not just a criminal justice issue. Her passion for prevention was not satisfied with the emergency room work of “stitching people up and sending them out.” She turned to public health and, with others, created a social movement to prevent violence that has had an impact on Boston and the nation. In 1987, Governor Dukakis appointed her as the first woman Commissioner of Public Health for the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. In that role, she established the first Office of Violence Prevention in a state department of public health, expanded prevention programs for HIV/AIDS and increased drug treatment and rehabilitation programs.

As a chief spokesperson for a national movement to prevent violence and a frequent speaker in national media and public forums, Dr. Prothrow-Stith supports the application of rigorous scientific methods to strengthen violence prevention programs. She developed and wrote The Violence Prevention Curriculum for Adolescents, a fore-runner of violence prevention curriculum for schools and communities. She is the author of Deadly Consequences, the first book to present the public health perspective on violence to a mass audience. She has authored and/or co-authored over 80 publications on medical and public health issues.



Those of you who know me in my professional life should remember that I booked her for our 2nd Annual Strengthening Youth and Families Conference to speak regarding the first book I read from her, Murder is No Accident: Understanding and Preventing Youth Violence in America. It was an honor to hear her speak about the topic, and get to diagloug in person with her regarding the issue.




However, I just finished her second book, Sugar & Spice and No Longer Nice: How we can stop girls' violence, and found it a very good read with some extremely relevant information.

I would like to draw attention to a few of her key points.

She talked about there being 3 Waves of Youth Violence in the United States, pointing to the First Wave of young male violence in urban poor neighborhoods, such as in Chicago, New York and other big cities. We're all familiar with that wave. The Second Wave is the one characterized by the suburban, rural, smaller-town feel, such as Columbine. The Third Wave she points to is with girls and young women, the topic of today's blog. (She hinted at her thoughts toward a Fourth Wave, that of much younger children and violence.)

Perhaps the most interesting idea was revealed when she spoke about the Risk Factors that foster youth violence. They include:

1.Poverty
2. Access to Guns
3. Alcohol/Drug Use
4. Biological/Organic Abnormalities
5. Culture of Violence

The first 4 risk factors are equally evident for both boys and girls (girls and boys have similar rates of poverty, similar access to guns, etc.). She pointed to the last one as on the rise for girls, that our society is now actively "marketing violence to girls," a la Zena the Warrior Princess and such. While violence has always been marketing to some degree to boys, it's now being "sold" to girls more and more.

Dr. Prothrow-Smith expounds on this obvious connection. In her view, violence is everywhere, spreading in waves. All that's needed is a "precipitating event" -- plus a gun:

"This epidemic of youth violence appears... to now have a second wave," she continued. "It is in small towns and rural communities. The second wave is a bit different, but there are some striking similarities to the first wave: If you take a troubled child, a child at risk, and you take a society that glamorizes explosive responses to anger, add guns and a precipitating event - whether it is he said/she said, a boyfriend/girlfriend issue or a child being ostracized - all of that equals a dangerous situation whether you are in an urban context, a suburban, context or a small town."

It's an epidemic, and it's infecting everyone, even girls.

If this epidemic is like others, such as the AIDS epidemic, the second wave probably won't peak as high as the first wave, but may follow the same pattern unless there is some intervention.

After the second wave, Prothrow-Stith warned, "It is not unthinkable that there may be a third wave to this epidemic that has to do with girls and violence. One quarter of juveniles arrested for violent crimes are girls. That is very unusual."

Seeking to explain why girls are now engaging in violent expressions of anger, Prothrow-Stith cited social-cultural issues as a factor.

What is it that forces nice little girls to commit crimes?

It's... It's.... The Power Rangers! In pink!

"The Power Rangers are [dressed] in pink, yellow and light blue...There are movies now where women are getting beat up and beating people up. It is an interesting challenge for those of us who are looking for testosterone poisoning, Y-chromosome problem or genetic influences [as an explanation for youth violence]; we can't ignore social-cultural issues."

The most robust risk factor for youth violence, according to Prothrow-Stith, is being a witness and/or a victim of violence. She also warned about our society's glamorization of violence.

"This is a society that celebrates violence, that celebrates the super hero choosing [to blow] people up to solve problems. So we teach our children to admire violence and to feel justified by any use of violence as long as they are solving a problem that they have," she said. "It is a very interesting set of messages. Television and movies come to mind almost immediately...but it is not just television and movies; it is in some ways who we are. Mean is popular in the United States...phrases like 'in your face' are an example. It is in our sports and politics."

The key take away point I got from the whole book could be found in part two, entitled Taking On the Challenge. It begins with Chapter 6, Tips for Parents. During this chapter the authors describe the ART model of parenting for raising girls and advocate for it serving as a framework for getting the help needed to be a caring parent and providing your children with the help that they need. ART (of course) is an acronym for:

A: Act as a role model-do rather than tell; demonstrate rather than dictate.
R: Reach out to others-build a community of caring adults around your child.
T: Talk and listen-communicate, communicate, and communicate some more.

To me, we should apply ART to all that we do. After all, life is nothing more than the ART of living after all, isn't it?

If you have a chance to look at her work, despite whether you agree with her argument or not, I think you'll find it interesting, and find some take away points no matter what the situation.

It's a good kind of hurt

Through out everything in my mom's life, I have never heard her complain about pain. In fact, it sometimes felt like she reveled in it. Be it physical or emotional, it seemed at times as if she welcomed pain. One time I watched her drop a glass ash tray on her big toe, breaking it (the toe). She just said "ouch, that was stupid" and kept on working through the pain.

Maybe it was the only emotion she understood, or maybe it was the only one that she allowed to exist. I believe, however, that through out her life, pain was all she would allow herself to experience.

Recently, my mom has begun to cope with the truth that after the chemotherapy, there is no other course of treatment. Her cancer has spread to both lungs and a liver (as far as I know), and she is indigent so surgery is not an option. We are lucky that we found the clinical trial, or we wouldn't even be having this discussion. Neadless to say, once the chemo is done, that is it.

I called her today. Here is a summary of our conversation:

Erin: "Hey Mom! Whatcha doin."
Mom: "Trying to eat...but can't. Today is not a good day. I am up and down."
Erin: "I hate to hear that."
Mom: "Yesterday, I was running a fever and throwing up. I couldn't get out of bed..not even to go to the bathroom."
Erin: "God. I wish I could help you."
Mom: "This happens every time Erin. I will get better."
Erin: "I know, but..well you know"
Mom: "It's a good kind of hurt. I know it's working when I hurt."
Erin: "I just called to tell you to have a good day and I love you."
Mom: "I am glad you did. I just saw where Audrie called. I won't be up much more today. So I will talk to you tomorrow."

This week was the last "scheduled" treatment for her. The doctors have told her that if the cancer is still shrinking, they will give her a couple more treatments. I find it ironic that I chose to blog about the show "In Treatment" and how it only has a few shows left for my last blog. I guess, everything does have purpose or reason. Interesting.

Meanwhile, mom keeps on working, right through the hurt.

Carrot, Egg and Coffee

I was putting together some materials for a training on motiviation and perception that I will be doing soon and stumbled across this classic. Although found all over the internet, and broadly shared, it is still a good reminder. Enjoy!

Carrot, Egg and Coffee...

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil, without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.

Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me what you see.

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.

Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft.

The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg.

Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma.

The daughter then asked, "What does it mean, mother?"

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity - boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?"

My challenge to myself and to each of you this week is to think of this: Which am I?

Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you.

When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

Either way, our perspective is comprised of our past experiences and supports, will always cloud our reactions to challenges and also who we become when the challenge is complete. With that in mind, we have more control over who we will become in our future than who others think we will be or even are currently. That awareness shapes our responses and also the reactions from others.

My mother, sister and I have faced tons of challenges both individually and as a family, several of which could (and some would say should) have shattered our family. The amazing thing is that every single one has brought us closer together and subsequently further apart from who we once were or who we once pereceived ourselves as being.

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy. Or as my Uncle Bobby always said: "Erin, may you have everything you need and a little of what you want..at least then you will be happy but still have something to strive for."
The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

Have a great week.

Erin

Thanks, but I really don't pay

Ever have one of those periods of time where everything just seems a little "off". You know, where you have a tough time seeing the positive in your interactions with others? The last few days have definitely been one for me.

On Monday, after months of coughing and headaches, I went into my doctor's office and demanded that they test me for something other than allergies. After the subsequent poking and prodding and an x-ray, I learned that I had walking pneumonia and had to miss one of my favorite excuses to dance and enjoy adult beverages, St. Patrick's day. I was also warned that if I didn't stay home and rest, I would be put in the hospital. Interesting, I wonder if they give you Flonase® for a ruptured spleen in the hospital if you don't tell them you have a ruptured spleen?

On Tuesday, I got a call from my mom. Before she received her cancer diagnosis, she lost her home to foreclosure and her only mode of transportation was repossessed. She relocated to a former workshop next to Aunt Hel's home in Scotland, Texas.
Here is a picture of the outside:


And one of the inside:


Her new home has electricity but no running water or phone service. One of the hardest things I have had to come to terms with over the last few months, is that this is my mom's home, and nothing I can do right now can change that fact.

On Monday, she found out that the person she was getting her phone service from was going to probably pull out. She wanted to know if I could add her to my plan. Imagine the problematic conversation when I tried to explain the complex rules of cell phone math to her. Let's just say that I ended up simply stating "I love you mom, and will take care of it." Not wanting to open up a new plan of service, I had hoped I could just add another line to my current plan. However, I didn't have an extra phone.

Once again, I was amazed by the charity of people. I got her call on Tuesday, and subsequently sent an email to all the staff in our agency to see who had a "Sprint enabled phone" that I could send her. I got over 15 phones and even more replies that included "Erin, I want to help but my server isn't Sprint" or " Erin, I just gave my old phone away..I wish I would have kept it."

Before I go into detail about the frustration factor of the day, I would like to say Thank you to everyone who gave me your old phone and also to those of you who simply wish you could.

Fast forward to Friday, I went down to the local Sprint store and dumped all the phones out on the table. I then proceeded to explain that I wanted to activate one and add it to my current line of service. Heck, I even told them they could pick the one they wanted to activate (after all it was Good Friday). After explaining no less than 3 times that I did not want or need a new phone, that I simply wanted to add a line to my current plan, and that I did in deed just want to use one of the ones laying out before us, the customer service representative called the magic phone fairy at some place I refer to as the secret headquarters of Sprint, and they conversed for about 39 minutes and 22 seconds regarding my "situation". Then and only then I was told that Sprint no longer allows one to "simply add a line of service" without entering into a brand new contract.

I usually pride myself on my ability to remain calm and collected when confronted with complicated situations. This was not one of those moments. Rather than embarrassing my self by re-depicting the scene, I will just say it all with the following picture that does a good job of summarizing the event:



On Saturday, Petey and I did our normal cruise around the area to get our coffee and tacos. The day started out relatively sunny as I got my vente coffee with hazelnut syrup and Petey got his chocolate flavored milk bone. We then went to the taco place, ordered our breakfast, and then pulled up to the drive through window when I was greeted, rather gruffly by the server. She grinned as she turned around and took my money. However, her T-shirt made me take pause.

In big bold letters it first read, "THANKS!". I began to grin thinking that was a nice way to market your store, but then I read on. In lower case letters and in a smaller font than the rest of the shirt said,"but I really don't care." Wow! What a honest depiction of the service industry.

Imagine her surprise when I took my food and said, "THANKS", grin, "but I really don't pay."

We've Shattered the Earth Enough

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Usually right about now I would be heading home after a long day of pub crawling on mountain bikes with my friends. We usually park around 15th street, and ride around down town hitting all the Irish pubs (and a few English ones as well), before cruisin' through the Capitol and finally parking for the day at the Dog and the Duck Pub which holds its annual St. Patrick's day fundraiser for the local Fire Department.

This is us going through the capital after a few pints in 2004.

And a few of us posing in front of the port-a-potties from an unknown origin in 2004 (obviously the adult beverages made this seem like a good idea at the time).

And last, but definitely not least, our group in front of Mother Eagan's Irish Pub (can you tell I am missing my ride?)

This has been a tradition for the last 7 years. Unfortunately, however, I haven't been feeling very well. For the last few weeks, I have been waking up with a serious migraine and a terrible cough. As is typical for Austin, TX, my Doctor kept telling me I had an allergy and prescribing me one antihistamine after another. Seriously, I think that in this city, you can walk into the doctor's office with a broken leg and they would tell you it was an allergy.

Making a long story (and future blog post) short, I finally found out today that I have something they call "Walking Pneumonia". I'm not really sure what the difference is between walking pneumonia and crawling pneumonia, but either way, I feel like crud and am going stir crazy sitting at home. Especially during one of my favorite holidays.

So, I called mom. The following is a transcript of our discussion:

Mom: "Hey Erin."

Erin: "Hey mom, whatcha doin?"

Mom: "Just got home. About to get something to eat. You didn't catch me eating like normal" laughs.

Erin: "Good. Got home from the Doctor's office a few minutes ago, and have been cooped up all day. I just thought I would give you a call."

Mom: "Glad you did. I got your care package today. Thank you. Everything okay?"

Erin: "Yeah. I guess I have been pushing myself a little too hard. They told me today that I have walking pneumonia."

Mom. "I figured something had to be up with you if you weren't out with your friends."

Erin: "I know. I am not up to anything too Earth shattering."

Mom: "Ha! I think we have shattered the earth enough. With all those cards I got, I think we gave the cosmos a run for its money."

Erin: "That's true. Did you get any more today?"

Mom: "Actually, I did. I got one today. I think I am up to over 2000 now!"

Erin: "Great! How are you feeling?"

Mom: "Well, the Doctor says that my blood isn't rebounding as quick as it should."

Erin: "Geeze..if it ain't one thing, it's another. Are you going to have to go back in?"

Mom: "No, I don't think so. But, I am suppose to have chemo again next week, and if it doesn't pick up, they will have to post pone it. I don't want anything to get in the way of fighting this cancer."

Erin: "Don't worry mom. We have a lot of Earth shattering left to do. That Cancer is not going to get in the way."

Mom: "Thanks Erin, I love you."

Erin: "Love you too. Now my turn to go to bed and get better."

Mom: "Easter is next Sunday. You will be better by then. I know it. Love and good night."