I have to be a bit selfish

Today was the official 8 month anniversary of the prognosis for my mother. On this day, 8 months ago, the Doctor told her to "get her affairs in order". That was September 5, 2007. On August 22, 2007, she was diagnosed as having Stage 4 Small Cell lung cancer that was prevalent in both lungs and had spread to the liver. When I googled the prognosis, everything indicated that she only had 2 to 4 months to live. Imagine the paranoia, and thoughts that ran through my head. I was ready to take FMLA and move back just to get her through it.

Then my friends rallied around me. They reminded me that not only is my mom a fighter, but I have been pretty much on my own my whole life, and couldn't just throw it all aside because she was sick. I disagreed for the most part, but 49% of me agreed with their sentiment. This made it hard for me to sit in Austin while she went through this battle, however, it helped that my mom is so independent. When I mentioned my idea, she shut it aside without comment. Her exact words: "I am not dead yet, and will not have my children wipe my butt or making decisions for me in the process".

Fast forward to today. The following is a transcript of our conversation:

Erin: Ring, Ring "Hey Mom, whatcha doin?"
Mom: "Just got up. Feeling better, sorry I have missed your last couple calls. I have not been so well, and wasn't up to much to talking."
Erin: "I understand. When I get sick, I lock down and avoid everyone as well. It's hard to be upbeat for others when you don't feel well."
Mom: "That is true. Erin, you have to be careful not to do too much."
Erin: "I know. I am still debating whether I should go to summer school or not. If they offer it right, I could take one class a day for 10 weeks and will only have 6 hours left before comps and graduation."
Mom: "I thought you were going to take the summer off. That's what you said last time we talked."
Erin: "You're right. But, then I started to doubt that decision. If I can get 3 more credit hours under my belt, then the State and the System only holds me to 2 more classes. However, with all the changes in the juvenile justice system in Texas and the MacArthur grant, my job is actually 2 full time jobs..and school, well that is another full time job."
Mom: "I know, and they don't give you time for class preparation or work peparation."
Erin: "Mom, what are getting at? I have never heard you question my decisions like this."
Mom: "Erin, I love you and I am just trying to be a good mother. I don't want you losing more time for yourself. That's it."
Erin: "Good point. As an aside, you are a good mom. We have had our struggles, and we both have had our times of weakness..but I love you, and you have always been an inspiration."
Mom: "Just take care of you...no one else will..believe me I know."
Erin: "You are doing better..you sound good."
Mom: "Yeah, my blood pressure is finally up..its over 100 now. I was concerned for awhile but seem to be rebounding pretty well."
Erin: "True! This is the second round of chemo where you were able to escape having to go to the hospital for a low blood count. That is pretty cool. Even better, Mom do you realize that you are making history? Not only are you fighting this disease, but you will be a case study to help others in the future who are fighting it. Wow! that is so cool."
Mom: "You know, those doctors where never honest with me. I think I was a lot closer to death than they let me know when they found it."
Erin: "What do you mean..they never told you the projection?"
Mom: "No they didn't, but they hinted."
Erin: "I can't lie mom. I was preparing myself, everything I read said that we would be lucky to have until Christmas."
Mom: "Yeah, maybe this study will show them that just because someone doesn't respond right away to treatment..they should give it a bit and let their bodies come around. I didn't respond for 3 months, and then at the 4th month I responded drastically. In normal treatments, they give up after 2 months of no progress. I hope that they will at least consider the time factor for future treatments."
Erin: "Mom, I am so happy to have you in my life, and to be able to say that you beat the odds and are continuing to progress. I love that we have re-discovered each other. But even more...look at all the people you are going to help in the future by participating in this study! That is amazing!?
Mom: "Erin, I need to be selfish. I want to live. I don't care about the others right now..if my living helps them, then great..but when I am gone, well..I won't let that happen any time soon. They asked me if I wanted to continue treatment after the normal research course. They questioned my "quality of life" and if this is really what I want to do. I told them, I want to fight as long as the fight is winning, I can overcome any symptoms and my quality of life will be better if I am living so bring it on!"
Erin: "In other words, we need to go to the beach this summer and I should not go to school?"
Mom: "I know you are trying to be funny, but seriously Erin, you need to be a bit more selfish and truly enjoy being you."
Erin: "Ditto to you. Love you mom. Talk to you tomorrow."

Mom has a CAT scan on Tuesday. The results of the scan will determine whether she gets continued treatment, or whether she doesn't.

Cheers to you mom. Be as selfish as you need to be!