Occasionally Cats Rule

Well, I occasionally break down and find words hard to write. When I do that, I love to sit down and just listen. Listen to people, places, and things. Did you ever know that stillness and sound exist at the same time? Amazing isn't it. Well, I just got home from one of the typical days that makes me want to tune in some lyrical and musical rhythms and just meditate. If you are reading/listening to this blog, well, welcome to my mood at 9pm on a Thursday in my life in the Winter of 2008:

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I have spoken of Petey my bird dog..I failed to speak of my Siamese Cat who is the cat in this video reincarnated. I got this cat, named "Fluffy" (there is your first clue)' because a good friend of mine had to put all her cats outside (story to be told in future blogs). That friend gave me Bianca, the cool mellow cat, 4 years ago when I still lived in an apartment. I kept her and have enjoyed her for years and still enjoy her company. Then I bought my house. On the day that I moved in, my friend (who helped me move) said, "I got another cat for you..she will be an outdoor cat..no problem and she needs a good home". Of course I said, "Cool bring her over"...because I have no backbone when it comes to animals and friends. What I discovered later was that the cat was being "evicted" from its current home because it was too mean. It was chasing all the other cats away from the home. HMM..guard cat cometh to Erin.

Thus came Fluffy. Fluffy, came to the Espinosa home, and disappeared for like three weeks. I was terrified. I didn't know how to explain to my friend that I lost her cat, yet I was at peace with the fact that this cat had gone away and I did not have to deal with it. The Sunday after the cat was introduced to my life, I started trying to figure out my innocence but sincere apologies statement to my friend who graciously "gave" me the critter.

Life was not that simple. On Sunday, my cousin came over. She asked "where is Fluffy, that cat that Judy and Pat gave you?" I said, "I don't know, but that thing wasn't right in the head...I gotta figure out how to tell Judy it's gone..can you help me?"

My cousin: "Hell NO!!!! Where is that poor cat. I will find it and it WILL not be an outdoor cat again. No animal deserves to be forgotten. How dare you, ERIN, you say you care about wayward kids, yet you will let this cat just go on with out a family. Who are you?"

Erin: "Fine, find the cat. If you do..you take care of it..I can't... I travel too much."

Cousin: "Found her..she is now an indoor cat. Good night. Grandma would be proud".

Now, I have this cool kitty who shows me attitude every time I turn around. But what I have come to realize is that everyone, including animals, should be afforded the ability to be individuals and respected for that. This cat, as well as people in my life, have truly challenged me and my ability to be me.....but the ultimate lesson that I have learned is that life only hands you experiences that you are capable of and should handle. That includes encounters with folks and situations that are out of your comfort zone but, in their own right inspirational.

This cat is the most annoying animal I could have ever had in my home, but once I figured out her communication pattern, needs, and desires, we are now the best of friends. In fact, my dog would be lost with out her. If I take Fluffy to the vet with out Petey, he freaks out looking for her and when she comes home, does nothing less than serve her dinner and champagne. Life is a very interesting dynamic of experiences and supports. I hope that my life continues with the Fluffy's of the world!.

Back Up Dragon Mountain

About a three years ago I purchased a TIVO system as a part of a satellite TV system. What they forgot to tell me is that the TIVO systems they provide through this particular satellite provider are used and full of the previous owners favorites. Needless to say, that can lead to some very interesting viewing if you haven't cleared the system. Especially for someone like me who can't sleep without background noise. Thus the story of the day. My TIVO system includes a receiver in the main living room and my bedroom. Interestingly enough, I programmed my living room system to record all my favorite shows, but have never messed with the settings on the one in the bedroom. As you know, the TIVO system is set up to change the channel and/or make suggestions to shows you may enjoy based upon your selections and/or settings. When I go to bed, I usually put the channel on either the Sci Fi channel or CNN and sleep to the stories and happenings of the world. Interestingly, on Saturday and Sunday mornings I lose Anderson Cooper or the Haunted House Hunters for the Backyardagains.

At first I got annoyed as the Backyardagains (for those of you who don't know, I believe they consist of an animated set of characters one of which looks like it might be a moose..or really ugly deer) looked for the "treasure chest" as they sang about it, talked about it, sang about it again, and then found it and sang about finding it during my recoup sleep from the adult beverages I had swallowed the night before. Now, it is like a little funny routine that my dog and I have fallen into every weekend morning. As soon as he hears the Backyardagain's theme song, he knows its time to wake up mommy in any way possible. Nothing short of a wet nose to the forehead and subtle slobbery lick across the face could there be a more distinctly irritating yet charming way to be woken.

Usually, I hit our version of a "snooze button" by tossing what ever random toy he has drug up on the bed with him and hide my head quickly under the covers in my "you can't find me" attempt to regain an extra few minutes of sleep. But this morning, this morning the Backyardagains were singing about climbing dragon mountain and for some odd reason it struck my attention.

They kept saying "We're gonna climb dragon mountain. We're gonna climb dragon mountain. Climb..Climb.. Climb. We're gonna climb to the top of dragon mountain." You get the drift. But what really caught my attention was when they began to talk about why they were gonna climb the mountain.

The characters said that they hoped they didn't meet the scary dragon as they were climbing to find the mysterious yet playful character (let's call her Emma as I can't quite remember the name through the fog of dog slobber and tail wagging that fought for my attention). In their search for Emma they came across many obstacles one of which was a cave known as the dragon cave. They entered the cave to find Emma and rescue her from the big scary dragon. They heard that Emma was a caring and nurturing creature who would bring them a long and happy future. They continue to climb and sing, climb and sing, and sing and climb until....

Oh but wait, what is this they see? Well, could it be...BUT the big and scary dragon. It awoke and roared to life breathing fire as it yawned and baring it's claws as it stretched. Needless to say, our heroes and heroines were very scared and ran from the cave. They ran so fast, in fact, that they tumbled out of the cave and off the side of the mountain.

As they began to fall, the moose lead the charge for the group by saying "Well if we are going to fall, at least we can sing about it"...and on went a tune about "We are falling, falling, falling...we are falling from dragon mountain". Oh my....what's gong to happen next. I was at the edge of the bed struggling between keeping my attention on the TV and also not loosing the tug-o-war battle over the last leg of what was once an eight legged spider chew toy with Petey in all his 65 pound bird dog glory.

Just as I was about to lose my grip, and the Backyardagains were going to hit the ground, in swoops the big and scary dragon to save the Backyardagains and fly them off to safety. The moose/ugly deer lead character realizes something and says: "Hey, you're (Emma)? You're not so big and scary after all? You scared us at first, and we fell off the mountain. Now you have saved us! Thank you Emma! Thank you". They then all broke into song thanking Emma.

I got up, turned the TV off, patted Petey on the head, plodded off to the kitchen, fumbled with the coffee and coffee maker, and called my mom. The conversation went something like this:

Mom: "Hello Erin"
Erin: "Hey Mom. Good morning. Pete and I just called to say howdy. Say howdy Pete."
Pete: Sniff Sniff, Flap Ears, Off to Chase the Cats
Mom: "Ha! Ha! Petey, he is a handful, but smart. What are you up to this morning".

I then told her the story of the Backyardagains, Dragon Mountain and Emma.

Erin: "I guess I need to finally break down and change the settings on that dern thing. It is freakin' annoying!"
Mom: "I don't know. It seems that it is kinda like me and this sickness"
Erin: "Huh? What do you mean?"
Mom: "Well, you said you wanted to pay more attention to the lessons and 'Ah Hah' moments that happen around you day in and day out. You should blogg this."
Erin: "Why?"
Mom: "Can't you see? I am the Backyardagains. I am climbing the mountain...to get better. The Chemo is Emma. She can save me by almost killing me...burning all the bad stuff and some of the good stuff. But if she don't kill me, then she saves me."
Erin: " Wow! I think I need to eat more of the oatmeal you're eating!."
Mom: "Yeah, every 21 days I go back up my version of dragon mountain with my chemo treatment, and hope that even though the dragon knocks me off and my blood drops low, and I end up in the hospital, can catch me and kill the cancer before I reach the end."
Erin: "Wow! Pretty profound for a Saturday morning."
Mom: "Ask Petey, he's the one who gave me the idea."

Five more minutes!

Often, I stumble upon stories and quotes that really define either the point I am trying to make, or something I am stumbling along with. In today's world, it is so easy to push for immediate gratification or for things to run "according to plan". A good example for me are those visa check card commercials I have been seeing lately. You know the ones where the guy/gal attempts to pay with cash or a check when everyone else is using their debit card. All of a sudden the smooth "nature" of the operation grinds to a halt. It's easy to get caught up in society's expectation of behavior and forget that which should be our most prized possession--time and who/what we spend it with. I rediscovered this story today and thought it was a perfect reminder of the importance of our time:

While at the park one day, a woman sat down next to a man on a bench near a playground. "That's my son over there," she said, pointing to a little boy in a red sweater who was gliding down the slide. "He's a fine looking boy" the man said. "That's my son on the swing in the blue sweater." Then, looking at his watch, he called to his son. "What do you say we go, Todd?" Todd pleaded, "Just five more minutes, Dad. Please? Just five more minutes." The man nodded and Todd continued to swing to his heart's content. Minutes passed and the father stood and called again to his son. "Time to go now?" Again Todd pleaded, "Five more minutes, Dad. Just five more minutes." The man smiled and said, "O.K." "My, you certainly are a patient father," the woman responded. The man smiled and then said, "My older son Tommy was killed by a drunk driver last year while he was riding his bike near here. I never spent much time with Tommy and now I'd give anything for just five more minutes with him. I've vowed not to make the same mistake with Todd. He thinks he has five more minutes to swing. The truth is, I get Five more minutes to watch him play." Life is all about making priorities, what are your priorities? Give someone you love 5 more minutes of your time today. Author unknown

I did just that. I woke up this morning with the worst migraine I have had in months and a general feeling of becoming increasingly depressed. Then my dog jumped up in bed, as he does every day, but for some reason, today, I took the hint. I called in sick to work, slept another 4 hours, and then made the whole day about us. First, we went for a walk around the neighborhood. While Petey made it his mission to water all the trees along the way, I made it a mission to talk to every person we met. Needless to say, I met 5 neighbors, two of which had been here for over 10 years. I can't tell you how many times I walked right past their homes, and paid more attention to their landscaping than them. Today, I wanted to waste no more time.

Next, I loaded Petey up in the truck and we made his first ever trip to Lowes. You would have thought I had taken him to doggy heaven. He sniffed everything and everybody, as I tried to keep control of a 65 pound bird dog in the electronics section. The concept of "you break it you bought it" was definitely reigning true in my head at that time. We got out of there with some new edging material, an electronic hedge clipper, and some mulch. Then we went home and got to work.

It turned into a great day, with a new front landscape and loads of new friends. Some times, just five more minutes is all you need. In dog years, I learned, five more minutes can turn into a full day.

Three steps foward and one step back

Today my mom called me while I was at work. I had been trying to reach her all morning to see how she was doing and what new stories she had regarding the "care" her health "care" workers were giving her and was not as cordial as I probably should have been. Either way she advised that she just got home from the hospital and was feeling better. She still had the sniffles but was very happy to be home. The following is a summary of one of the most important phone calls I have had with my mother in my life:

Erin: "Hey mom, what's up? I have been trying to reach you."
Mom: "I just wanted to call and tell you that I am home, at the shop, my home, now."
Erin: "That's good. I bet you are happy to be there."
Mom: "Yeah, I am feeling much better. I just hope that I can get to feeling well enough to get some of this paperwork done. I got my CT scan results today."
Erin: "Really, I had hoped you would call me as soon as the doctor spoke to you." (I then braced my self for bad news. I walked down the hall and into the stairwell so no one could see me if I started to cry. I also started coming up with possible ways to tell her everything would be okay when she and I both knew that would be a lie. Words of encouragement like 'well there is tomorrow' and 'at least it stopped growing and isn't hearting as much' were all I could come up with.)
Mom: "I got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that the cancer is shrinking. The new chemo is working."
Erin: "WOW! That's fantastic. Now I really wish you would have called me sooner."
Mom: "Yeah, but because this is a clinical trial and results are important, the doctor told me that there is a chance that the powers that be may kick me out of the trial because I keep ending up in the hospital for low blood count. My doctor and the nurse, Melody, are going to write a letter to the people overseeing the research study and advocate for me to continue in the treatment."
Erin: "That's good. They have to note that all three of the chemo treatments you have participated in have resulted in hospitalization because of your low blood count. This is the only one that has also ended up in killing the cancer!"
Mom: "Erin, they know. That is exactly what they are going to write. I am going to write a letter too."
Erin: "Can I write a letter. Can I help advocate to keep you in the program?"
Mom: "I will ask Melody (the research nurse) next week when I go back and see if she thinks it will be helpful. If not, then I would prefer you to not do anything."
Erin: "hmm.. why won't you let me help. I just want to help."
Mom: "I love you, Erin. But this is my battle and I don't won't my daughter to be my lead advocate. I am my lead advocate."
Erin: "Well, mom, I am your lead advocate. I am not sick and I can help. Besides, this is hurting me too. You may be the one who is sick, but my sister and I suffer right along with you. I don't want to loose my mother...not this way... not when I can help."
Mom: "Erin, it is just like our lives. We take three steps forward and one step back. As long as we keep taking the steps, we make progress. Besides, I have always been a good dancer."
Erin: "Yeah, just remember that the best dances are done by two or more, not one. You are not alone and I will be right here to do what I can."
Mom: "One foot in front of the other. I love you."

I get to see the sunset

On Saturday, I got a call from my mom, she was going back to the emergency room because she felt her blood count was low. She said, "Erin, I know my blood is low and there is no more I can do today, I need to go to the emergency room". Her next statement was the hardest for me to take, "I hope this round of chemo is working because I am scared and I am not sure how many more hospital stays I can handle."

Since she was diagnosed in August, my mom has been undergowing chemotherapy treatment and every time, 3 to 4 days after completion of the treatment she has to go to the emergency room. The first time was the scariest. She was sitting in the living room and kept passing out. Her friend had to call an ambulence to take her into the hospital only to discover that her white and red blood cell count was extremely low. They admitted her for a couple days, gave her some blood, and sent her on her merry little way. Now, I guess she has figured out when she needs to take herself, we have grown acustom and almost expectant of the hospital stays as a course of treatment.

Recently, she has been participating in a clinical trial for a new type of chemo called Amrubicin, where her blood count has fallen as low as .7. Not surprisingly, after over 5 months of this cycle, she has begun to break down and had a hard time dealing with reality of having to be hospitalized again. While in the hospital, the worst part for her is the boredom and staff who have forgetten how to provide the "care" in health care (more on that in the future).

I try to call her several times a day when she is in the hospital to lend as much companionship and moral support as I can, and have always been amazed whith how resilent she can be.

Today was an example I do not want to forget. The conversation went as follows:

ring ring

Mom: "Hey Erin"
Erin: " Hey Mom, what you up to"
Mom: "Oh just killing time playing solitary (sniff)"
Erin: "Oh yeah, did you win?"
Mom: "I won one game and playing another. I got to winthree games per deck (of cards) and then I change decks. (sniff) If I can do that in a day, then I know good luck is on my side and I will have a good day"
Erin: "That sounds like a plan. I don't think I have every won a game of solitary...maybe I am just not playing enough. How are you feeling?"
Mom: "Better. The doctor said that I should be able to get out of the hospital tomorrow. "
Erin: "Really, how much has your white count improved?"
Mom: "Yesterday it was 1.7, (sniff) and they don't let you out unless you are over 2.5 or 3....I don't know what it is, but he said it looks good. I am feeling better and am sure ready to get home. I got paperwork I need to finish so I can get my disability insurance and indigent care coverage. My mind is working really well right now. (sniff). They actually brought me a newspaper this morning and I finished all the puzzles in it including the puzzles in my puzzle book. I wish had the papers here so I could get them done....but I don't (sniff)."
Erin: "You still have a cold? I keep hearing you sniff."
Mom: "Yeah, but mostly I think it is the Sun coming in the window. I got a room facing East and the sun comes in the room every afternoon. Most the rooms I have been in face South or North and all I get to see is the construction. It's nice, I get to see the Sunset."

Mom's a Video Box Hero

My mother...wow she never stops to amaze me. If anyone can kick lung cancer's terminal butt, my mom will do so. Today celebrates her 5th month from being diagnosed with stage four small cell lung cancer. This disease is suppose to be terminal for the patient within 4 months. I couldn't post the video of my mom's latest escapade, but here is a link to a news cast of her battle here: http://texomashomepage.com/media_player.php?media_id=5222 Check it out. No one can believe that she is sick or that she has terminal lung cancer and lives in the world that she has chosen to live in (future stuff to be shown). I have been looking for a community that could give me some guidance and support as the adult daughter of a terminally ill parent, and none have been positive or specific to my life. I hope that I can change that with this blog site.

Our first meeting

Hey guys~!



This is my first introduction as a blog member to the rest of the public. I have to pause a bit to get the mood music just right.

So with that being said..I must say that life for me has been an interesting trip. I wouldn't have even started a blog, but a friend of mine did because he has rededicated his life to a healthy life style and I commend him. Me, I am rededicating my life to me. My mother has stage 4 lung cancer, I have a little sister who loves me unconditionally, and I have had 3 new bosses at work in the last year. Additionally, I am currently trying to complete my doctorate in criminal justice by commuting no less than twice a week to class 2 hours one way away from my home, and have two fathers each of which is trying his best to be a part of my life after a long absence. All grin and giggles in my play ground, and somehow I still get lost. Ever have that moment when you wish the commercial for Southwest Airlines or snickers would just take you away or "satisfy you?"...well welcome to my world. I believe that there are no strangers in the world, only friends you have yet to meet and hope that this blog is a good way to evaluate that belief.