Three steps foward and one step back

Today my mom called me while I was at work. I had been trying to reach her all morning to see how she was doing and what new stories she had regarding the "care" her health "care" workers were giving her and was not as cordial as I probably should have been. Either way she advised that she just got home from the hospital and was feeling better. She still had the sniffles but was very happy to be home. The following is a summary of one of the most important phone calls I have had with my mother in my life:

Erin: "Hey mom, what's up? I have been trying to reach you."
Mom: "I just wanted to call and tell you that I am home, at the shop, my home, now."
Erin: "That's good. I bet you are happy to be there."
Mom: "Yeah, I am feeling much better. I just hope that I can get to feeling well enough to get some of this paperwork done. I got my CT scan results today."
Erin: "Really, I had hoped you would call me as soon as the doctor spoke to you." (I then braced my self for bad news. I walked down the hall and into the stairwell so no one could see me if I started to cry. I also started coming up with possible ways to tell her everything would be okay when she and I both knew that would be a lie. Words of encouragement like 'well there is tomorrow' and 'at least it stopped growing and isn't hearting as much' were all I could come up with.)
Mom: "I got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that the cancer is shrinking. The new chemo is working."
Erin: "WOW! That's fantastic. Now I really wish you would have called me sooner."
Mom: "Yeah, but because this is a clinical trial and results are important, the doctor told me that there is a chance that the powers that be may kick me out of the trial because I keep ending up in the hospital for low blood count. My doctor and the nurse, Melody, are going to write a letter to the people overseeing the research study and advocate for me to continue in the treatment."
Erin: "That's good. They have to note that all three of the chemo treatments you have participated in have resulted in hospitalization because of your low blood count. This is the only one that has also ended up in killing the cancer!"
Mom: "Erin, they know. That is exactly what they are going to write. I am going to write a letter too."
Erin: "Can I write a letter. Can I help advocate to keep you in the program?"
Mom: "I will ask Melody (the research nurse) next week when I go back and see if she thinks it will be helpful. If not, then I would prefer you to not do anything."
Erin: "hmm.. why won't you let me help. I just want to help."
Mom: "I love you, Erin. But this is my battle and I don't won't my daughter to be my lead advocate. I am my lead advocate."
Erin: "Well, mom, I am your lead advocate. I am not sick and I can help. Besides, this is hurting me too. You may be the one who is sick, but my sister and I suffer right along with you. I don't want to loose my mother...not this way... not when I can help."
Mom: "Erin, it is just like our lives. We take three steps forward and one step back. As long as we keep taking the steps, we make progress. Besides, I have always been a good dancer."
Erin: "Yeah, just remember that the best dances are done by two or more, not one. You are not alone and I will be right here to do what I can."
Mom: "One foot in front of the other. I love you."