I Want You Here, But Don't Need You Here.

Wow! Where did the month of May go? It seems like the whole month whirled by in one big blur. Seriously, the end of April and the month of May have easily been the busiest weeks of the year for me. I feel like that Comfort Suites Commercial that says "I've been everywhere man", and "man" I have been everywhere. In the last 6 weeks I have been in Washington DC, Houston, San Benito, McAllen, S. Padre, Wichita Falls, Prairie View, and back to San Benito, S. Padre with a little trip back to Wichita Falls, telecommuted across the US on a Medicaid project and teleconferenced to Idaho via video conferencing, and then finally returned home to Austin.

Subsequently, I have not blogged as much as I have in previous months. I have several conversations and/or experiences that have occurred over the last few weeks that I would like to write up, but the purpose of this blog is to bring everyone up to speed regarding how my mother and family are doing.

During the first week of May, my mother completed her last round of chemotherapy. The week before mother's day the clinical trial nurse called her up on her cell phone and advised that they had discovered a 3rd mass of cancer in her lungs and that the cancer in her liver has begun to grow back at an accelerated rate.
That morning I called her on my way home from S. Padre. The following is a transcript of our conversation:

Erin: "Hey Mom. Whatcha doin?"
Mom: "Not to ....sweat..cold...uggghhh...well."
Erin: "What do you mean?"
Mom: "I can't talk bright..mm.. right."
Erin: "What happened?"
Mom: "I think the new medication that Hospice put me on caused it. My main doesn't work right."
Erin: "You mean brain?"
Mom: "Yeah, main."
Erin: "God that sucks."
Mom: "No one can understand me."
Erin: "I can. Can you stop taking the drugs?"
Mom: "Yes, I not..mm..will..can."

I called her again on Saturday and Sunday and had pretty much the same conversation. Fast forward to Monday, Memorial day. I don't know what happened to me during this particular weekend, but I spent a majority of it just sleeping. I hate to say, but at noon on Memorial day I awoke to my phone ringing. My mother's cousin, Mary Baumer, has become her caretaker in last few months. She takes her to the doctor, store, or anywhere she needs to go and she cares for her by bringing her meals every day and taking her to church. I can not recollect a single time in my life when I have had a conversation with Mary Baumer. Leave it to circumstance that a crisis moment would throw us together. The following contains the corresponding phone call.

Ring, ring

Erin: "umm..Hello?"
Mary Baumer: "Erin, this you?"
Erin: "Yes, who is this?"
Mary Baumer: "Erin, this is Mary Baumer, have you talked to your mother today?"
Erin: "No...I try to talk to her every day..but today..I just....."
Mary Baumer: "Well, she is NOT DOING WELL. SHE IS NOT MAKING SENSE, AND WILL PROBABLY BE DEAD WITHIN 24 HOURS IF SHE DOESN'T GET A NEW AIR CONDITIONER..AND.."
Erin: "Hold on..Hold on...what do you mean she needs a new air conditioner. I was just there and she didn't mention it?"
Mary Baumer: "She can't speak Erin. Don't you get it? She isn't making any kind of sense. 'Main' becomes "Brain". 'Blue' becomes "Toilet". 'Audrie' becomes "Erin". "
Erin: "I get it more than you know. I can actually understand her when she turns her word around. But, I do....."
Mary Baumer: "Don't WHAT! SOMEONE SHOULD BE HERE! SHE IS SICK!"
Erin: "Mary, I hate that I can't be there like she wants..."
Mary Baumer: "Someone has....."
Erin: "Mary, shut it for a second. I know you are angry and I thank you for what you have done for our family. But, I have asked my mom to move in with me. I have even thought about moving up there and taking time off from my job. My mother has nixed both options. I thank you for all you are doing, but ask you to not judge my family until you know the facts. With that being said. You said she needs an air conditioner right now/today. Why and what is that all about?"
Mary Baumer: "Your mom woke up earlier today and saw her brother going through her pill bottles. The only reason why she leaves the doors open to her home is because her air conditioner doesn't work. So she keeps both doors open an attempt to cool her place. As soon as she falls asleep, Richard comes in and steals her stuff."
Erin: "I can order an air conditioner today and have it available at Lowe's. Can you get someone to pick it up and install it?"
Mary Baumer: "Erin, there aren't any men here to help. It's nothing but us girls, and we are busy Right now."
Erin: "Okay, I will call Adult Protective Services (APS) to check into the situation, but I will be there by the weekend with a new air conditioner and weather stripping. Can her situation wait till then?"
Mary Baumer: "She just can't speak. The air is cool enough to get her through the week and I will see you then."
Erin: "Great! Call me if you find anything more out."
Mary Baumer: "Will do."

After my conversation with Mary Baumer, I called mom. I had a bunch of stuff scheduled at work and a bunch of stuff I couldn't schedule but needed to be around for. I asked her how she was doing and she couldn't even respond with one complete word. Everything was gibberish. She began crying and yelling. I told her I loved her, and that we would get through this together no matter what. I called my sister, my boss, and my best friend and let them all know that I had no idea what I would do or where I would be over the course of the next week.

Realizing that I had the Idaho video conference scheduled for Wednesday and that it had been set for well over 12 months, I tried no less than 5 people to see if they could cover. No one answered their phone. No one returned my message. I had no choice but to continue with the conference, pending on my mom's status come Tuesday.

She visited the Hospice nurse on Tuesday who confirmed that the new medications (Halidol, Progesterone and Morphine) caused her to have minor strokes in her brain. My mother would never speak right again. Via conference call, they (mom and nurse) advised that rushing home would not make the matter better and that I should follow through with my obligations and come up as soon as possible.

Still not convinced, I called mom up on Wednesday while I was driving to Prairie View for the Idaho conference call. The following is a transcript of our call:
Erin: "Hey mom. Whatcha donin'?"
Mom: "Much better yester...today. I can get my ..thoughts ...right a bit more ..today."
Erin: "Good. Mom, I have tried everything to get there by tomorrow, but we have some pretty important legislative hearings that will be going tomorrow and I don't feel I can leave my job and the kids of Texas right now and come home. Will you be okay until Friday? I really need to know what the right thing to do is right now. I can't make the call."
Mom: "Erin, I love you and need you. The kids you are trying to help need you. I am feeling much better. Heck, I can even have a conversation with you where I couldn't less than 3 days ago."
Erin: "Mom, what do I do? I can leave here after this conference and be home in 6 hours, or I can work through these hearings and leave on Friday. I need to know what you need/want me to do?"
Mom: "Erin, I want you here, I don't need you. I love you daughter and I will see you in two days."
Erin: "I love you mom. Promise me you will go to Aunt Helen's if it get's too hot. Promise me you will take care of your self before I get there."
Mom: "Erin, I will go to Aunt Hel's if needed. I love you. Take care of you and I will see you in a couple days."
Erin: "I love you too.. and need you more than you will ever know. See you soon. Good night."

Happy Mother's Day: Leave the Garbage Here

This mother's day was the first one in years that I actually spent with my mother. Unfortunately, she was so sick the whole weekend that she slept a majority of the time. It was still a special occasion. Interestingly enough, on Sunday morning, while everyone else was asleep, my mother and I drank coffee, talked and watched "The Weatherman" with Nicholas Cage. This movie was one that I had never thought I would watch. However, TBS was playing it and we happened to pick that station to serve as the background of or conversation. If you haven't seen it, the movie revolves around the lead character played by Nicholas Cage who, surprise, is a weather man and whose father happens to be dying from esophageal cancer. During the movie, the Cage character actually becomes a better father because of the lessons learned from his father as he copes with his cancer. Talk about uncomfortable or at least awkward. My mother and I shared many of those types of moments.

Mom and I talked quite a bit about the things that she has missed out on in life and how I, the one person in her life that she thought should have given up on her, was here, now, watching the movie.

My mother, not one to be known to be 'direct' in her comments, loves to 'hint around' until the point or request is made. The following is an ongoing transcript of our key conversations during the weekend.

Erin: "Hey Mom, Whatcha doin?"
Mom: "Just sittin' here, waiting for you to get into town."
Erin: "Awesome. What would you like me to cook for Mother's day dinner?"
Mom: "Well..I don't know. I have some hamburger meat hear that Audrie left that I need to cook."
Erin: (knowing that this was a hint for me to cook spaghetti) " REALLY? So I guess you want meat loaf, or hamburgers?"
Mom: "No..Those don't sound so good. I don't know...I just need to cook this meat up."
Erin: "Well, we could cook it up and make some kind of mixture with potatoes and green peppers? I use to do that all the time when I was in college."
Mom: "No, I'm not too sure that is what I want. Ohh...I found some noodles over here in the corner. Can you use them some how?"
Erin: "Ahh...Spaghetti it is. I can make that and use both your hamburger meat and your noodles."
Mom: "Yeah, that sounds good. Spaghetti will be good."

Fast forward to my visit. We visited at Huie's house. As an aside, mom slept through the entire dinner and ended up eating her spaghetti as a lunch the next day. Not wanting to miss visiting with her, I woke up at 3am hoping she was awake. Finding her so, I got up and we had one of our best visits ever. The following is a transcript of the key pieces of what I would like to remember and share:

Erin: "Good Morning. Nicholas Cage huh? I always thought that man was shaped wrong. What are you watching?"
Mom: "Oh you're up. Why don't you go back to sleep. He isn't so bad..but this is a weird movie. I was waiting for the Meerkats to come on the Animal Planet and playing solitary."
Erin: "I can't sleep any more. Besides I can catch up when I get home. Yeah Nick isn't bad on the eyes, but then he opens his mouth and all I want to do is stuff it full of something to unclog the nasal sound. Are you winning?"
Mom: "Yup ! I have won two games already."
Erin: "Good for you."

We then sat quiet watching the movie.

Then:
Mom: "You know, I asked Mary Baumer to handle all the church arrangements. I didn't want you to have to handle everything."
Erin: "That's good. If I were left up to do it, I probably wouldn't have been the most 'PC' and definitely would have violated some form of Catholicism."
Mom: "Ha..Ha! No I just want to have everything taken care of before I go."
Erin: "I understand and we have been discussing this for months. You don't need to do it all on your own. I am here."
Mom: "I know. But you are my daughter, and I don't want it to be hard on you."
Erin: "It already is...for both of us. Let's do this like we have our entire lives. When life gets hard, we hunker down and fight like a family. I love you."
Mom: "I wish I could forgive your sister's father, Rick. I hate that man and just can't figure out how to forgive him."
Erin: "Why is that? "
Mom: "He is evil. He is an evil man and I can't forgive him."
Erin: "Really? If you remember, mom, your sisters and brothers, Audrie, and myself at some point considered you an evil person. You have done and said some seriously hateful and vindictive things when you were suffering from the down side of your mental illnesses. Have you forgotten that? Have you forgotten that they have forgiven you? That I have forgiven you?"
Mom: "You are right. I need to work on it and find a way to forgive him."
Erin: "Yes you do. I love you, but I had to work really hard to forgive you. Now I can say, Happy Mother's Day, and truly mean it. But the shadow of the things that you have said and done are still there. I choose to focus on the positives and let the other crap go. Hopefully you can let your garbage go as well, for that will be all you have left when you leave. For both our sakes, I hope the garbage stays here. "

D Day: The world is at our feet

D-Day is a term often used in military parlance to denote the day on which a combat attack or operation is to be initiated. "D-Day" often represents a variable, designating the day upon which some significant event will occur or has occurred. By far, the best known D-Day is June 6, 1944 — the day on which the Invasion of Normandy began — commencing the Western Allied effort to liberate mainland Europe from Nazi occupation during World War II. However, many other invasions and operations had a designated D-Day, both before and after that operation.

The terms D-Day and H-Hour are used for the day and hour on which a combat attack or operation is to be initiated. They designate the day and hour of the operation when the day and hour have not yet been determined, or where secrecy is essential. There is but one D-Day and one H-Hour for all units participating in a given operation.

Today, at 5:45pm initated D-Day and H-Hour for my mother, my family and her cancer. She had to be hospitalized this weekend because her blood count simply would not rebound from the latest round of chemotherapy. Subsequently, she is now no longer eligible for treatment through the clincial trials and has been referred to Hospice for all future care. Extremely depressed, all she could seem to focus on is that she will be in Hospice care.

As an aside, about two weeks ago my mother asked for the sheet music for the song from Sarah Mclaughlin "In the arms of an angel". She advised that after her mother died, she had heard this song and it helped her to cope with the emotion, and she wanted it played at her funeral. Needless to say, that was a hard request for me to fullfil. Despite the fact that I will have watched my mother and my grandmother die in the course of two years, I sent her the sheet music. Now I am reminded of both her and my grandmother every time the song is played either on the radio as the background for an add by the ASPCA. No longer am I able to have a burger with my grandmother and in the near future, I won't be able to share a laugh or a fight with my mother.

My mom, now after discovering that the treatment is done, has begun to learn the song on her piano. This past week, the entire congregation of her chruch went to her shop and she played and sang the song. How can I deny what she wants? It's intersting to me that a song that is inspirational for someone else, can be so negatively associated that the joy of the original music is lost.

Sometimes we just need some distracation to remind us that we are human and we have a future. I love my mother, however her positive attitude has begun to decrease. I now must find some comfort in 'normal' society, and the lack of control and understanding scares me more than I can admit.

The key thing to remember, as with any D Day, is that depending on how we view it, the world is still always at our feet. We can make it positive or negative. Admiting you are scared doesn't define that outcome. It is in the coping and the living that defines us.

Wordwatchers: Language and Personality

I am always looking for ways to better understand people and their true intentions/personality. Recently, I discovered a scientist who has actually configured a way to mathmatecally evaluate someone's personality based on the words they use. Truely amazing and scary stuff.

I found Doctor James W. Pennebaker. He is Professor and Chair Department of Psychology The University of Texas Austin, Texas. He believes that the words we use reflect who we are. Word choice can serve as a key to people's personality and social situations.

Since the mid-1990s, he, his students, and colleagues have been exploring the psychology of word use.



Before reading further, you might want to try one or more brief demonstrations that will give you an appreciation of language use, measurement, and personality.

Here is a link to his analysis of the current democratic contenders for office: Obama-vs-Clinton: Who is more syntactically complex?

Click on this link for some awe inspiring tests that influenced my decision to write this blogg:

The Online Research Consortium

Go ahead, be skeptical, but what the heck..we are all here to have fun and figure ourselves out. This blows the zodiac out of the water~

What words should we pay attention to?

Very broadly, there are two types of words: content and style. Content words include nouns, regular verbs, and most adjectives and adverbs. Style words include pronouns, prepositions, conjunctions, articles, and auxiliary verbs. The content words tell us what a person is saying; style words convey how they are saying it.

Style words, then, can be powerful indicators of people’s psychological states. They require a certain social skill to both use and interpret.

In a conversation, if one person refers to “her table”, both people must remember who the “her” is. Similarly, the difference between “a table” and “the table” conveys a subtle difference in the relationship between the speaker and the table in question.

What can the analysis of words tell us about people?

For starters, style-related words can signal basic social and demographic categories, such as:

Sex. In general, women tend to use more pronouns and references to other people; men are more likely to use articles, prepositions, and big words.

Age. As people get older, they tend to refer to themselves less, use more positive emotion and fewer negative emotion words. Older people also use more future tense and fewer past tense verbs.

Social class. The higher the social class, the less likely one uses 1st person singular pronouns and the less one uses emotion words.

Style-related words can also reveal basic social and personality processes, including:

Lying vs telling the truth. When people tell the truth, they are more like to use 1st person singular pronouns. They also use more exclusive words like except, but, without, excluding. Words such as this indicate that a person is making a distinction between what they did do and what they didn’t do. Liars have a problem with such complex ideas.

Dominance in a conversation. Analyze the relative use of the word “I” between two speakers in an interaction. Usually, the higher status speaker will use fewer “I” words.

Social bonding after a trauma. In the days and weeks after a cultural upheaval, people become more self-less (less use of “I”) and more oriented towards others (increased use of “we”).

Depression and suicide-proneness. Public figures speaking in press conferenecs and published poets in their poetry use more 1st person singular when they are depressed or prone to suicide.

Testosterone levels. In two case studies, it was found that when people’s testosterone levels increased rapidly, they dropped in their use of references to other people.

Basic self-reported personality dimensions. Multiple studies are now showing that style-related words do much better than chance at distinguishing people who are high or low in the Big Five dimensions of personality: neuroticism, extraversion, openness, agreeableness, and conscientiousness.

Consumer patterns. By knowing people’s linguistic styles, we are able to predict (at reasonable rates), their music and radio station preference, liking for various consumer goods, car preferences, etc.

And much, much more. ..