I Want You Here, But Don't Need You Here.

Wow! Where did the month of May go? It seems like the whole month whirled by in one big blur. Seriously, the end of April and the month of May have easily been the busiest weeks of the year for me. I feel like that Comfort Suites Commercial that says "I've been everywhere man", and "man" I have been everywhere. In the last 6 weeks I have been in Washington DC, Houston, San Benito, McAllen, S. Padre, Wichita Falls, Prairie View, and back to San Benito, S. Padre with a little trip back to Wichita Falls, telecommuted across the US on a Medicaid project and teleconferenced to Idaho via video conferencing, and then finally returned home to Austin.

Subsequently, I have not blogged as much as I have in previous months. I have several conversations and/or experiences that have occurred over the last few weeks that I would like to write up, but the purpose of this blog is to bring everyone up to speed regarding how my mother and family are doing.

During the first week of May, my mother completed her last round of chemotherapy. The week before mother's day the clinical trial nurse called her up on her cell phone and advised that they had discovered a 3rd mass of cancer in her lungs and that the cancer in her liver has begun to grow back at an accelerated rate.
That morning I called her on my way home from S. Padre. The following is a transcript of our conversation:

Erin: "Hey Mom. Whatcha doin?"
Mom: "Not to ....sweat..cold...uggghhh...well."
Erin: "What do you mean?"
Mom: "I can't talk bright..mm.. right."
Erin: "What happened?"
Mom: "I think the new medication that Hospice put me on caused it. My main doesn't work right."
Erin: "You mean brain?"
Mom: "Yeah, main."
Erin: "God that sucks."
Mom: "No one can understand me."
Erin: "I can. Can you stop taking the drugs?"
Mom: "Yes, I not..mm..will..can."

I called her again on Saturday and Sunday and had pretty much the same conversation. Fast forward to Monday, Memorial day. I don't know what happened to me during this particular weekend, but I spent a majority of it just sleeping. I hate to say, but at noon on Memorial day I awoke to my phone ringing. My mother's cousin, Mary Baumer, has become her caretaker in last few months. She takes her to the doctor, store, or anywhere she needs to go and she cares for her by bringing her meals every day and taking her to church. I can not recollect a single time in my life when I have had a conversation with Mary Baumer. Leave it to circumstance that a crisis moment would throw us together. The following contains the corresponding phone call.

Ring, ring

Erin: "umm..Hello?"
Mary Baumer: "Erin, this you?"
Erin: "Yes, who is this?"
Mary Baumer: "Erin, this is Mary Baumer, have you talked to your mother today?"
Erin: "No...I try to talk to her every day..but today..I just....."
Mary Baumer: "Well, she is NOT DOING WELL. SHE IS NOT MAKING SENSE, AND WILL PROBABLY BE DEAD WITHIN 24 HOURS IF SHE DOESN'T GET A NEW AIR CONDITIONER..AND.."
Erin: "Hold on..Hold on...what do you mean she needs a new air conditioner. I was just there and she didn't mention it?"
Mary Baumer: "She can't speak Erin. Don't you get it? She isn't making any kind of sense. 'Main' becomes "Brain". 'Blue' becomes "Toilet". 'Audrie' becomes "Erin". "
Erin: "I get it more than you know. I can actually understand her when she turns her word around. But, I do....."
Mary Baumer: "Don't WHAT! SOMEONE SHOULD BE HERE! SHE IS SICK!"
Erin: "Mary, I hate that I can't be there like she wants..."
Mary Baumer: "Someone has....."
Erin: "Mary, shut it for a second. I know you are angry and I thank you for what you have done for our family. But, I have asked my mom to move in with me. I have even thought about moving up there and taking time off from my job. My mother has nixed both options. I thank you for all you are doing, but ask you to not judge my family until you know the facts. With that being said. You said she needs an air conditioner right now/today. Why and what is that all about?"
Mary Baumer: "Your mom woke up earlier today and saw her brother going through her pill bottles. The only reason why she leaves the doors open to her home is because her air conditioner doesn't work. So she keeps both doors open an attempt to cool her place. As soon as she falls asleep, Richard comes in and steals her stuff."
Erin: "I can order an air conditioner today and have it available at Lowe's. Can you get someone to pick it up and install it?"
Mary Baumer: "Erin, there aren't any men here to help. It's nothing but us girls, and we are busy Right now."
Erin: "Okay, I will call Adult Protective Services (APS) to check into the situation, but I will be there by the weekend with a new air conditioner and weather stripping. Can her situation wait till then?"
Mary Baumer: "She just can't speak. The air is cool enough to get her through the week and I will see you then."
Erin: "Great! Call me if you find anything more out."
Mary Baumer: "Will do."

After my conversation with Mary Baumer, I called mom. I had a bunch of stuff scheduled at work and a bunch of stuff I couldn't schedule but needed to be around for. I asked her how she was doing and she couldn't even respond with one complete word. Everything was gibberish. She began crying and yelling. I told her I loved her, and that we would get through this together no matter what. I called my sister, my boss, and my best friend and let them all know that I had no idea what I would do or where I would be over the course of the next week.

Realizing that I had the Idaho video conference scheduled for Wednesday and that it had been set for well over 12 months, I tried no less than 5 people to see if they could cover. No one answered their phone. No one returned my message. I had no choice but to continue with the conference, pending on my mom's status come Tuesday.

She visited the Hospice nurse on Tuesday who confirmed that the new medications (Halidol, Progesterone and Morphine) caused her to have minor strokes in her brain. My mother would never speak right again. Via conference call, they (mom and nurse) advised that rushing home would not make the matter better and that I should follow through with my obligations and come up as soon as possible.

Still not convinced, I called mom up on Wednesday while I was driving to Prairie View for the Idaho conference call. The following is a transcript of our call:
Erin: "Hey mom. Whatcha donin'?"
Mom: "Much better yester...today. I can get my ..thoughts ...right a bit more ..today."
Erin: "Good. Mom, I have tried everything to get there by tomorrow, but we have some pretty important legislative hearings that will be going tomorrow and I don't feel I can leave my job and the kids of Texas right now and come home. Will you be okay until Friday? I really need to know what the right thing to do is right now. I can't make the call."
Mom: "Erin, I love you and need you. The kids you are trying to help need you. I am feeling much better. Heck, I can even have a conversation with you where I couldn't less than 3 days ago."
Erin: "Mom, what do I do? I can leave here after this conference and be home in 6 hours, or I can work through these hearings and leave on Friday. I need to know what you need/want me to do?"
Mom: "Erin, I want you here, I don't need you. I love you daughter and I will see you in two days."
Erin: "I love you mom. Promise me you will go to Aunt Helen's if it get's too hot. Promise me you will take care of your self before I get there."
Mom: "Erin, I will go to Aunt Hel's if needed. I love you. Take care of you and I will see you in a couple days."
Erin: "I love you too.. and need you more than you will ever know. See you soon. Good night."