It's a good kind of hurt

Through out everything in my mom's life, I have never heard her complain about pain. In fact, it sometimes felt like she reveled in it. Be it physical or emotional, it seemed at times as if she welcomed pain. One time I watched her drop a glass ash tray on her big toe, breaking it (the toe). She just said "ouch, that was stupid" and kept on working through the pain.

Maybe it was the only emotion she understood, or maybe it was the only one that she allowed to exist. I believe, however, that through out her life, pain was all she would allow herself to experience.

Recently, my mom has begun to cope with the truth that after the chemotherapy, there is no other course of treatment. Her cancer has spread to both lungs and a liver (as far as I know), and she is indigent so surgery is not an option. We are lucky that we found the clinical trial, or we wouldn't even be having this discussion. Neadless to say, once the chemo is done, that is it.

I called her today. Here is a summary of our conversation:

Erin: "Hey Mom! Whatcha doin."
Mom: "Trying to eat...but can't. Today is not a good day. I am up and down."
Erin: "I hate to hear that."
Mom: "Yesterday, I was running a fever and throwing up. I couldn't get out of bed..not even to go to the bathroom."
Erin: "God. I wish I could help you."
Mom: "This happens every time Erin. I will get better."
Erin: "I know, but..well you know"
Mom: "It's a good kind of hurt. I know it's working when I hurt."
Erin: "I just called to tell you to have a good day and I love you."
Mom: "I am glad you did. I just saw where Audrie called. I won't be up much more today. So I will talk to you tomorrow."

This week was the last "scheduled" treatment for her. The doctors have told her that if the cancer is still shrinking, they will give her a couple more treatments. I find it ironic that I chose to blog about the show "In Treatment" and how it only has a few shows left for my last blog. I guess, everything does have purpose or reason. Interesting.

Meanwhile, mom keeps on working, right through the hurt.